The Chirp Show

The Tuesday Twelve Pack

2010-08-03T14:46:00.000-07:00

You bet your probably under-tanned ass we're back. But note, the Two Four has been retired. I'll admit, I cracked under the pressure of thinking up 24 separate punchlines. I did some blow, went to rehab, and now I'm back with twelve less articles. Enjoy.

1) Ozzie Guillen: Civil Rights Activist
I think I have to side with Ozzie on this one. The White Sox manager gave a nice little jab at Major League Baseball's callous translator policies and the continent of Asia in general. Mr. Guillen, I think the problem is that Spanish is too beautiful a language to be recirculated through bilingual assholes. I don't need to know what La Bamba means to enjoy it and love it. Japanese though, sounds like a machine gun pointed at aluminum siding. JUST KIDDING, JAPAN.

2) Brett Favre Retiring
If you don't pay attention to him, he'll disappear.

3) Brett Favre, Not Retiring?
Nah, he's retiring. Or is he? I DON'T KNOW MAN. UPDATE: Yeah, he's done.
Speaking of which...

4) Why can't football be like Rick Pitino?
And come quicker. HEY-O! Seriously, football me.

5) Rick Pitino's unorthodox recruiting tactics
Pitino and ex-lover/dingbat Karen Sypher are going toe-to-toe in court, and the details are extremely vivid. Pitino hasn't been in this awkward a situation since his Boston days. May I suggest switching to a 2-3 zone?

6) LeBron James Hates Cleveland, Goodbyes
First he made Cleveland sit and watch as he gutted them on television. His next move is more subtle. James, renowned douchebag, wrote a farewell to Akron, Ohio, that ran in the paper there. Notable omissions were the words Cleveland and Satan. Could a Cavs fan actually assassinate him? I think he's managed to rationalize his own murder in Ohio. And if this actually comes to pass, I might have delete this.

7) Holdouts Galore
Albert Haynesworth's holdout is more of holdoutofbreath (I'm not above it), and Darrelle Revis is going all passive-aggressive on the Jets. Among others, of course. No jokes here. Getting ones' guap is a serious matter.

8)The Baseball Trade Deadline
Can you believe Miguel Tejada went to San Diego? Actually, that's pretty believable. Here's the rest, WITH FREE ANALYSIS.

9) Here's something disgusting
Cleveland Indians catcher, Carlos Santana, having his knee rearranged. Just another reason to hate the Red Sox, I suppose.

10) This is why the Tampa Bay Rays can't have nice things
Grant Balfour and coach Jim Hickey wound up having a Hardcore Bullpen Match, for a title belt made up of jock straps and Big League Chew. The two squared off in the squared-circle-diamond which concluded when Hickey slammed the reliever through a table, straining Balfour's side. He's expected to miss 4-6 weeks, but here's J.R.'s imagined commentary on the incident.
Jim Ross: Good God! Balfour is broken in half!

11) And now, Stunners!

12) Shaq is Awesome
Here's a note he left Hakeem Olajuwon after the Rockets bested the Magic in '95. The man is a treasure.

TCS Highlight Package: Da Big Men

2010-08-01T08:28:00.000-07:00

This one goes out to all my heavy brethren out there. Never stop believing.

Larry Allen

Larry Allen is quite possibly the greatest human being to have ever lived, even if he did play for the Dallas Cowboys. AND HE WAS FAT AS HELL. Does this man look like he needs a motherfucking fitness test?

William "The Refrigerator" Perry

Uh, this pretty much speaks for itself.

Casey Hampton

Here's Pittsburgh's nosetackle going off in the Super Bowl. Now that's a gut.

Albert Haynesworth
VINDICATED.

Free Albert Haynesworth...from Fitness Testing!

2010-08-01T07:29:00.000-07:00

Since when did the NFL get so uppity? Football is a beautiful sport because it encompasses all body types. There's backs that look like jackrabbits, linebackers and ends who look like the Predator*, kickers that look like they jumped out of the stands, and linemen that polish off racks of ribs without a second thought. Any person can ask, Is there a spot for me on the football team? And if you have an ounce of athletic ability, there's probably some place for you on a football team. If you have a body, you can play football.

Albert Haynesworth is a grizzly bear. It's the best way to describe him. For five months of the year he's out there snatching salmon from rivers and disrupting opponent's running games. The other seven he hibernates, which probably involves heavy doses of nachos with poached Big Macs on the side. He's never going to be trim or svelte. He's going to be an obese killing machine forever. So why fitness test him?

The easy answer is because the Redskins want to fuck with him. He doesn't want to play in a 3-4 and he's making millions dollars to play an extremely lazy position in sport. When you think of professional athletes you expect Lance Armstrong and Serena Williams, not some guy you saw at Pizza Hut buffet waiting for them to roll out the next pie. There's some resentment present. Hey Fat Boy! Sing for your fucking supper! And that's bullshit.

Haynesworth and Terrence Cody have been taught from day one that they can make football work with a gut. And they've been lauded for it and chosen to make millions of dollars to play the big man. If not for football they'd be shunned and trying to stab steamed celery while crying through Oprah. And the game needs them. There's specially created positions just for the overweight beasts that play on the line. Has Albert Haynesworth ever run fifty yards in his life? They don't even make you run that far at the combine. He's been groomed to play hard for ten seconds and to obliterate anything he comes into contact with for that brief spurt. To change the game for him this late stinks of managerial bullshit. Just because you employ someone, it doesn't mean you can get them to jump through rings of fire for you (which a fitness test for a 330 pound man is equivalent to).

Haynesworth has had injuries, and it's probably due to his poor training. But that's why NFL contracts can be terminated with prejudice at any juncture. If his performance isn't equal to what you're paying him, shred the deal and call it a day. Just don't hover over a grown man and prod him every time you feel insecure.

This is a battle for big men everywhere. I call weightcism on Washington and Baltimore and any

team stupid enough to fitness test the same assets they need to be fat to succeed. You can't be a matchstick and clash with Flozell Adams everyday. It's a race to see who can be the biggest and fastest (and fattest, I suppose) without losing athleticism. But that's within the confines of the game. Fans and coaches don't need to see how the sausage is made, people don't show up to the weight room on off days to check in on their favorite player, they just need to see results on the field.

Anyway, I'm rambling. In short, put down the stopwatch and pick up a fork. Or jog once in a while.

*Predators fucking sucked by the way.

Gose for Wallace Gives Me Solace, And Other Big League Rhymes

2010-07-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

Well the Trade Deadline was today and nothing happened...to the Blue Jays anyway. So here's my perfectly-timed Gose-Wallace trade reaction.

Brett Wallace, we hardly knew ye.

The Toronto Blue Jays traded Brett Wallace, troll-clubbing first basemen extraordinaire, for Anthony Gose, young, fragile, and not Brett Wallace at all. The reactions were...mixed. Like a drink made by Hunter S. Thompson.

Wallace arrived in Toronto as part of the trio who made up the Roy Halladay loot bag. Since the Halladay trade was about as traumatic as seeing your grandparents bumping uglies, the hesitance to trade Wallace is easy to understand. He's one third of Roy Halladay. If that's the third that contains all his hustle and quiet grit then the team would be fools to let him leave.

Mike Wilner rationalized the trade quickly on his blog: You've got to be strong up the middle. Power-hitting first basemen can be pried from teams and grown in the minors relatively easy; compared to how rare it is to acquire a genuine centerfielder and athlete of Gose's caliber.

Vernon Wells is today's centerfielder and Gose is likely three or four years from being the everyday guy there. Which is handy, seeing as Wells' contract runs out about then. Though Wallace is major league-ready now, the Blue Jays don't need him now apparently. They're making moves with an eye on the not-too-distant future, which could mean a strong push for playoff contention made next year.

If Toronto holds on to Jose Bautista and Fred Lewis, they'll occupy third base and left field, respectively. Lind then goes to first base (or stays at DH) and Snider moves to right field. That leaves DH (or first) open. Brett Wallace would have been great at either spot. But designated hitters and first basemen are not a hard currency to deal in. What the Blue Jays did was hedge their bets by adding a player who might be worth two Wallaces down the line. If the current edition of Toronto crashes and burns, the team needs someone new on the marquis to rebuild the ship around.

Alex Anthopolous has doubled down on today's team nucleus, while insuring the cupboard stays stocked during this push. Flashing lights should have gone off when Alex Gonzalez was moved for a major leaguer in Yunel Escobar. That's not building for the future. Escobar is 27, his future is either now or just around the bend. There's not much more to come in his skill set. With Brett Wallace gone the excuse to take things slow has been removed. Travis Snider will be getting his at bats soon. Aaron Hill and Adam Lind are both more than two years into the big leagues. The same goes for Marcum, Romero, Cecil, and Litsch. Vernon Wells can't be moved, and Fred Lewis and Jose Bautista should be re-signed considering their performance and continued presence. The Toronto Blue Jays are ready to drop the hammer.

Rebuilding isn't sexy, and the Blue Jays have almost circumvented a long and arduous Tampa Bay-like rebuild. They've added hitters who are 25-plus and about to enter their primes. I'm all for trying to contend no matter what the cost. If Brett Wallace is the price you have to pay to be relevant, you squeeze your eyes shut and hope it won't bankrupt you.

Why Do You People Still Come Here?

2010-07-25T12:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just need to write things down. It's why people keep journals and diaries and logs and treasure maps of the Spanish Main. It's also why I'm restarting my posts for about the third time. I write, I get bored, I stop writing, I overeat, I start writing again. Moving forward you can expect the following:

-More highlights.

-Excerpts from my upcoming book A Summer Misspent: The Living History of the Toronto Blue Jays.*

-Nickerson probably chipping in with jabs at Lindsay Lohan.

-Sports talk.

-Podcasts.

-Blasphemy.

-Exclusive interviews with my neighbour.

*Hypothetical, of course.

Is that something you might be interested in? Well, here's a couple pages from my baby. Please be kind because my ego bruises like a hemophiliac on the bumper cars.

I Can Feel It Coming In the Air Tonight

The season’s equinox has fallen on May 26. A year ago, the Toronto Blue Jays were 27-21 on this date. The Hindenburg then crashed into their Titanic, sending the team on a downward spiral. Toronto went 36-63 the rest of the way and it was clear that the baseball gods had abandoned them. Tonight the Jays find themselves 27-21 again, and it is May 26, again. Damocles’ sword hangs over the team, a barren Louisville Slugger. It’s only one game, but a game they lost last season. It ushered in a late May collapse that segued into another tease of a season; and a repeat performance would be welcomed like free punch from a cult. There will be no trade talks this season to divert attention from a mediocre team. Reinforcements are still a ways off. There’s patience to be had but some of it’s been exorcized by winning; a luxury that may soon dry up

And Brandon Morrow goes tonight.

The Blue Jay batters have been enigmas all season. Aaron Hill hit 37 home runs last year, but on May 26 he’s only hitting .159. Jose Bautista has 15 home runs and 39 RBI already, which is obscene considering that he only hit 16 home runs and 60 RBI in the 134 games he’s played with Toronto to date. The catcher John Buck, signed by the Jays in the offseason, is hitting 25 points above his career batting average at .262. This is from a man that was referred to as, "The Human Error" by leading baseball thinkers (mostly me). Though that is admittedly not related to offense, he’s been thriving after being imprisoned by the Kansas City Royals for the entirety of his career.

Buck’s renaissance has come at a perfect time for Toronto. Hill’s numbers are down. Adam Lind in the DH spot is only hitting .232. Travis Snider struggled early only to catch fire just in time to injure his wrist. These players are the young core, assembled to lead the Jays into the future. They have struggled and in their stead, Renaissance men like John Buck have stepped up. But he can’t catch Brandon Morrow.

When Brandon Morrow takes the mound and John Buck is catching, his ERA is 9.45. For some unforeseen reason, the two mix like water, oil, and nuclear holocaust. It’s uncanny how the two have failed to connect. In their most recent outing Morrow was touched up for six earned runs in only four innings. On a night where fate is hiding in the closet, these are not the numbers fans want to see.

Brandon Morrow is a potential coup for the Jays. Exchanged for Brandon League, a Hawaiian fireballer with strikezone issues, his successes will be yet another feather in the cap of Alex Anthopolous. He throws hard, touching 97 miles per hour at times. Trawling through the baseball dailies nets me an article detailing how Morrow’s fastball, along with a scythe-like slider, are two of the greatest "out" pitches in baseball.1 In 45 innings of work he has 59 strikeouts, it’s a ratio suggesting that Morrow should be stifling batters every time out. Instead he’s been maddeningly inconsistent, walking 28 batters, a clip that puts him third among American League pitchers. Every poor start further washes the League swap.

All these concerns have culminated in what will be a tension-filled television watching experience. But something is amiss, in place of baseball I see a collection of European poker players. The level of excitement exhibited by all of them would make a librarian scoff. A quick glance at the listings and I realize that I’m out of luck. My only connection to the equinox will be via the internet and a series of dots.

MLB.com offers a variety of alternatives to your standard cable baseball. Unfortunately, I don’t even have a credit card. This means that I can’t even get live radio of the game. Good fucking God, how can we claim to a society of equals if I have to pay to hear a man talk a baseball game to me? I could punch a series of numbers into a payphone and at least get some saucy one-liners before having to insert a quarter and yet I can’t be given a broadcast that is 75 percent silence and 25 percent colloquialisms. Is this what Dr. King fought for?

The dots are my only friend now. Major League Baseball’s website has two options for cheap tramps like me: MLB Gameday and its spiritual successor, MLB At Bat. No video is shown, no audio is heard. All that’s there is a virtual cardboard cutout of a batter and red and green streams that end in red and green circles to signify strikes and balls. A blue stream and circle indicates a ball put in play. I am watching the world’s lamest laser show and I don’t even have Kenny Loggins’ "Danger Zone" prepared. For three and a half hours I will be waiting for circles. The pace at which information comes are like raindrops in the Sahara, either I’m bombarded or left aloof to what is happening. Eventually I’ll get a circle notifying that baseball has happened. An Alex Gonzalez strikeout in the top of the second is just a red stream passing in front of a faceless dummy. If I ever considered baseball boring I amend that claim. Watching watched baseball being relayed through stills and streams is far worse.

John Buck steps into the batters’ box in the top of second with two on and two out. A blue stream slides onto my screen telling me that he has singled to load the bases. This is the Chinese Water Torture of viewing experiences. Drop by drop I get the bare minimum to be invested in the game, it’s enough to drive anyone crazy, but the only people who use Gameday are either working or touched in the brain anyways. Edwin Encarnacion works a full count with the bases juiced in an excruciating series of circles and streams. Toronto leads 1-0. Then it’s 3-0. Paying complete attention to the dots is impossible, I just try to act surprised.

Having baseball minimized to occasional glances frees up time to do other productive activities. I have chosen to watch Michael Bay’s Transformers, birthed of excessive CGI and gratuitous shots of Megan Fox. When I look back Morrow is in trouble. He’s walked two and a Howie Kendrick double has driven in one. 3-1 Jays. Men on second and third with no outs. A sac fly from Bobby Abreu makes it 3-2. Like the titular robots on the television that SHOULD be showing baseball, the game is quickly transforming. Connection made. Morrow blows a third strike past Kendry Morales to stop the bleeding. 3-2 Jays.

By the fifth inning Morrow’s thrown 96 pitches to go with three hits, four walks, and six strikeouts; and the Angels have tied the game at 3. The wheels of egress are slowly pulling the Blue Jays towards their predestination. Toronto hasn’t had a hit since the second inning. Adam Lind starts the sixth with a walk, but that’s erased quickly as Vernon Wells grounds into a double play. Lyle Overbay taps one to the first basemen and the Jays are finished for the inning. Wells has been swinging freely for the past few games and the approach has failed him again.
In the bottom of the sixth Morrow is finished. It was vintage Morrow, not economical but sharp enough to power his way through trouble. He and Buck’s relationship keeps improving as Morrow only yields three earned runs. Rommie Lewis, a touching story of minor league perseverance, comes into pitch and gives up two quick hits, the second is home run by Hideki Matsui. 5-3 Angels. Lewis is finished for the night and in comes Shawn Camp, the proverbial garbage man for the team. He closes out the inning and the Jays still haven’t had a hit since the second. Blip by blip I’m watching the Jays fade, and I don’t even have Buck Martinez’s voice to console me.

Gonzalez strikes out to start Toronto’s seventh. Bautista breaks the ice that’s been forming by roping a single past the third baseman. John Buck strikes out. Edwin Encarnacion doubles in Bautista. 5-4 Angels. There is still some fight left in this team tonight. Jeremy Reed grounds out to end the inning. I repeat: some fight left in this team tonight.

Everything is beginning to blur together like the bombardment of colours during 2001: A Space Odyssey. Plays are happening but I can’t see them. Momentum is shifting but I can’t feel it. All I have are boxscores and dots to go on, wearing me down. The Jays come to bat at the top of the ninth on their last legs, I have no gauge on how they’re looking stamina-wise but I can barely keep my eyes focused.

On Sunday the season finale of Lost a show devoted to fate and destiny aired. Alex Gonzalez doubles to lead off for Toronto and the Jays fight to change history that’s waiting to be written. Jose Bautista is much more cooperative for the fates, striking out on three pitches right after. John Buck, the Renaissance Man, comes to bat with one out and Gonzalez on second. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, double. Buck rips a double into left field and Gonzalez scores. Whatever supplement Buck is taking, whether legal, illegal, or fictional, I want it. The game is tied.

I should be livid by now. This is an exciting game but there’s no excitement to be had watching a game like this. Imagine being telegraphed the Gettysburg Address. That’s the level of outrage I should be generating. But I haven’t seen a single play and therefore have no base to go off of except for dots. It’s enough to drive a man mad. Or at least to a state of jaded arrogance.

The bottom of the ninth starts with Mike Napoli doubling off Jays’ reliever Scott Downs. The Doomsday Clock is now at five minutes to midnight.

A couple of failed bunts by Maicer Izturis leads to an eventual ground out. Napoli still makes it to third and the Jays have a runner ninety feet away that is capable of repeating history.
The Jays intentionally walk Juan Rivera and Erick Aybar in order to create force outs at all bases. The clock is a minute from midnight. An exciting play happens, Napoli is out at home. Two outs.

Bobby Abreu singles home a run.

The clock strikes twelve.

Toronto loses. The Blue Jays are now 27-22, just like last year. With one exception.

Stars of the U: A Tropical Storm-Themed Highlight Package

2010-05-25T12:17:00.000-07:00

If you haven't seen ESPN's 30 For 30 documentary on the Miami Hurricanes, you're among friends. I haven't seen it either but I'm told it's fantastic; so here's some highlights to tide us over until we finally watch the thing. And if you've seen it there's probably some applicable moments to be viewed here as well. They are sorted from crazy to craziest, and I'm talking about the subject's state of mind, not playing ability. As if I had to tell you that. Enjoy these Hurricane alums running roughshod over your heroes.

Ed Reed
If there's ever a job opening for Batman I nominate Ed Reed.

Michael Irvin
The Dallas Cowboys in the 1990's were a force of nature, and Michael Irvin could be called the eye of that storm. For the sake of objectivity I'm just going to post his highlight. THEY HAD A BUILDING CALLED THE WHITE HOUSE DRAW YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS.

Warren Sapp
Here's a nice photo montage of a man who's Google search immediately suggests, "Warren Sapp cheap hit".

Ray Lewis
Don't watch this video with the lights off.

And perhaps the most frightening player of all...

SPECIAL BONUS VIDEO
Here's Sean Taylor blowing up Brian Moorman IN THE PRO BOWL. The man was a beast.

Don't Crown The King

2010-05-19T14:55:00.000-07:00

Black Mamba: a highly venomous southern African mamba dreaded because of its quickness and readiness to bite.

King: One who, or that which, holds a supreme position or rank; a chief among competitors.

When you read both of those definitions two names come to mind: Kobe Bryant and LeBron James. Kobe is the Black Mamba and LeBron is the King….or is he? Let’s look at that second definition a little closer. The last part that says “A chief among competitors.” I have to disagree with that when talking about LBJ. While Kobe showed in Game 1 (40 pts 5 ast 5 reb) that he is dreaded by competitors every time “24” hits the court, LeBron, has yet to take that next step to definitively be called the King. But here’s where things get scary; If you look at that King definition one more time, doesn’t it sound a lot more like Kobe than LeBron?

Kobe holds his teammates accountable. Kobe plays through injuries all year and doesn’t whine about them. LeBron looked disengaged with teammates in round 2 and milked a bruised elbow like he blew out his knee. Just look at it this way: if LeBron’s elbow was really that bad, when the series against Boston ended. Don’t you think we would have heard about how bad it really was ?And also, the amount of months he would be out with surgery? Nope, not with LeBron; news came out that all LeBron will need is to just rest his ailing elbow.

LeBron said after Game 5 that he “Spoils us with his play.” I disagree. I feel like he hasn’t given us enough. I can honestly say LeBron is my favorite player in the league by far, but he hasn’t had that defining moment in the NBA finals yet. Yes, he had that amazing fourth quarter vs. Detroit; and he has made everyone’s top ten all dunk list with some of the huge slams he’s thrown down. But when I’m supposed to be talking about “A chief among competitors”, LBJ hasn’t fit the bill.

To this date, LeBron has two M.V.P’s and one Final’s appearance. Kobe has one M.V.P and four rings on his resume. Like everyone always says: You measure greatness by championship rings. That’s why it’s so hard to say how great Stockton, Malone and Barkley really are. Hey, they all had great careers but the conversation ends with “They never won a ring.”

Does LeBron care about that? He says he does, but his attitude and play in the playoffs this year definitely didn’t show it. That’s the difference, Kobe year in and year out is all about adding to the ring collection. He works in the offseason harder then any player in the league. He adds a low post game to an already un-guardable offensive arsenal. While LeBron works on adding players to his agent’s firm and hosting SNL (which, he was great on by the way), he hasn’t realized that unless he adds some rings he’s going to be just known as a freak athlete that will be put in the second tier of great players with the Stockton’s, Malone’s and Barkley’s.

If I could compare LeBron’s career to a wrestler, it would be 90’s Shawn Michaels. See, Michaels super kicked his way into singles matches and was always a top notch wrestler, plus he was great on the mic. But he was stuck in those mid card matches for most of the ninety’s. HBK was stealing the show every night and always leaving the audience talking about his match on the way out the building. (Kind of like how LeBron does when he drops 50 in Milwaukee in mid December.) But HBK still wasn’t the star like Hogan, Savage and Ultimate Warrior were. Just like Michaels, LeBron couldn’t get out of those mid card matches losing in the second or third rounds. James then got his one main event against the Spurs in 2007. But it felt like he was just on one of those “In Your House” pay-per-views, where titles barley ever change hands because the Spurs disposed of LeBron and Cavs in 4 games.

Michaels finally got his chance too shine as a main event star at WrestleMania 12 against Brett Hart in an Iron man match. Again, Michaels stole the show and cemented his spot on top of the wrestling world for many years to come.

Now its LeBron’s turn to cement his spot as a main event star (like Kobe has) and earn his nickname the King. Or, he can continue to be a mid carder: Someone, you will always pay money too watch and you’re happy that he’s there but you always know there is a bigger match coming up. Just for now, I say we hold back on crowning the King and appreciate the Black Mamba.

Highlight du Jour: The Triple Play That Wasn't

2010-05-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

Being unemployed means that I can get away with two things: Poor hygiene and daytime Jays games. Toronto is pummeling Minnesota like Joe Pesci did Billy Batts in Goodfellas, which makes me smile...

Never tell a man to get his shine box, lest you're prepared to face the wrath of the shine boy.

And here's Devo crushing the Atlanta Braves World Series dreams.

GO HOME AND GET YOUR SHINE BOX EARLY '90'S BRAVES. GREG MADDUX WAS A WIMP. WELL I CAN'T BACK THAT UP BUT I WON'T STOP SCREAMING AT YOU IN CAPS.

CAPSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

Stay tuned for more highlights, I'm loving this so far.

The Chirp Show's Video Highlight Library

2010-05-16T19:08:00.000-07:00

It's pretty self-explanatory, but I've created a page where you can view highlights from all the athletes and athletic memories alcohol, drugs and old age have purged from your bodies. The posts will show up on the main site but their links will be put up on the highlight page, which you can access from the link on the right.

I think this is a pretty neat idea, as there's a ton of highlights out there but nothing tying them all together. The goal is to collect video highlights and centralize them for our collective enjoyment. Suggestions are welcomed but are open to ridicule. The first posts are below and I hope you like them.

Larry and Magic

2010-05-16T18:49:00.000-07:00

For my first NBA highlight I figured I'd aim high. But Michael Jordan was unavailable so I put up some Bird/Magic junk. Enjoy!

Larry Bird

Pretty good highlight, fantastic song selection.

Earvin "Magic" Johnson
Pretty bad song selection, fantastic highlight.

Quarterbacks of the 1983 NFL Draft

2010-05-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

The 1983 NFL Draft is the Holy Grail of quarterbacking. Sean Connery has devoted his life's work to finding it, and everyone else has wasted time debating it. Elway. Marino. Kelly. Eason. Take away that last one and you've got one helluva draft class. Watch the videos, plus an added bonus: Ken O'Brien! Yeah, I wasn't a fan either.

Dan Marino
This video excels on two levels: 1) It's Dan Marino and you should worship him like a demi-god and 2) "Bad to the Bone" blaring in the background cracks me up nicely. And check out that cannon; the man could have punched a hole through the Berlin Wall with the pigskin. Glasnost my ass.

Jim Kelly
There are zero highlight compilations of the "K-Gun" operator, as far as a thirty second Google search knows. Get off your beligerent asses and remedy this, Bills fans. So, to balance my Marino fandom, here's Kelly leading a game-winning drive against Miami. Boo.

John Elway
You probably don't remember this, but Elway played in this game...

...and totally lost it! Yeah, Elway lost this game, but he probably wins the '83 Quarterback showdown. Not because he was the best, but because he won the most. Maybe I should have just posted a Terrell Davis highlight instead. SNAP.

BONUS
Ken O'Brien
The former Jets pivot makes it rain, but that still doesn't mean I remember watching him.

Beer and Basketball

2010-05-16T14:29:00.000-07:00

I woke up today with one thing on my mind: The Memorial Cup.

Something you should know: I don't know the first thing about hockey. Except neutral zone traps. Those get me harder than Silly Putty left in the freezer.

The Memorial Cup though, has inserted itself into my life in ways that would make your skin curl. First, it's prevented me from watching baseball. There is no second.

Being a fan of the Toronto Blue Jays is a fragile science. You can plot a Jays season like a trip-tick into the Heart of Darkness. Things begin beautifully, Toronto wins and for forty games you let forbidden sayings like, "Winning record" or "Playoffs" into your lexicon. Normally this is because the Jays are penned in for several series against AL West and Central opponents, which they play above .500 ball against. Right now, Toronto's 23-16, a mark that makes me feel warm and happy inside.

Act 2 is usually heralded by a Yankees visit to Rogers Centre. Toronto competes, but eventually succumbs to superior firepower that spending $225 million will get you. The beasts will usually depart after taking three of four, or, Satan permitting, sweeping Toronto. This is the tipping point, as the Jays will slowly start to unravel until it's the All-Star break and you're wondering if they'll ever work out the kinks in time travel.

You only have so long to enjoy a winning Toronto team. The Jays swept Texas this weekend and I didn't see pitch one because Little Johnny Gretzky decided to have his little tournament right in the middle of a Jays' winning streak. Those are moments I'll never know the joy of, and if Toronto goes down the tubes like they have in so many years, it will be the Memorial Cup I blame for my unhappiness.

This whole ordeal forced me to watch basketball. And I love basketball, so I should be happy. I am, but that's because I've got a nice buzz going. Yet I should be a tad cantankerous.

The Boston Celtics are playing the Orlando Magics, in a series that should be pretty good. I once had the pleasure of taking in a T'Wolves-Raps game from floor seats, and Kevin Garnett terrified me like a mall Santa with a chainsaw. And, I'm sure that Dwight Howard could be scary too if he started acting like it.

What bothers me (and what I know you've been waiting for) is that this series, and these playoffs now, feels like everyone is playing with house money. The Celtics are composed (and decomposed) of guys who are politely called veterans. Players like Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen, the titular Big Three, are established stars. You know what to expect and their ceilings are set. It's not that they're old, because we already know that, it's that their roles have become predictable. They do things and they know people, and that's enough to get by.

Orlando is similar. Until Dwight Howard shatters through his self-imposed glass ceiling, he'll always just be a freak on the defensive end and a question mark on offense. He gets fouls and then misses the foul shots. The addition of Vince Carter means that the Magic have a potential game-changer once every three games. It also makes me want to plant a corkscrew in my retina.

The young upstarts in these playoffs are gone. Kevin Durant was finally waylaid by the Lakers, Brandon Roy's knees exploded, Deron Williams saw injuries limit his teammates and LeBron got tangled in his own greatness. There's nothing new; it's as if David Stern scripted these playoffs in advance (insert referee joke).

If not for Rajon Rondo I'd completely tune out. And that's as Orlando just chopped the Celtics' lead down to five, in what's a spectacular comeback. It's all I can do to sip my beer and ponder how many beers I have left; which is offensive to the sports-enthused, but reality. But Rondo? Shit, he's the one anomaly in these playoffs that's made them worth watching. Because of one play.

I know I'm a bit tardy to the party on this one but, dear God, man. If you're anything like me, you respect LeBron, but you also think he's kind of a dick. I bet he films himself sleep and then sends the footage to ESPN Classic. It's an aura most fans deplore, because it assumes credibility that LeBron doesn't have yet.

Seeing Rondo take away LeBron's bread-and-butter, "I'm also athletic on defense!" play made me smile. It's some good ol' fashioned schadenfreude. Rondo presented LeBron with a foil that he couldn't deal with, and everyone is exulting in the vacuum of a true superstar. Double R refused to go along with the "too young, too soon" script that every other under-25 notable fell to.

Which places me on the couch this Sunday afternoon, barely paying attention to a guy I admire.

Meh. I just wanted to watch some baseball.

Why I Should Punch You In The Face (It Has To Do With LeBron James and Your Crippling Ugliness)

2010-05-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

Dust, cobwebs and tumbleweed. That's what came to mind when the three beers I just polished off pointed me back to this stagnant bog of athlademics. It's so quiet that I dropped a pin and the nice ladies from my bootlegged Tiger Woods porno turned and looked at me. Sorry ladies, just trying to get some thinking done.

Aside from Mr. Duignan's commendable NFL Draft coverage, me and Jeff haven't written word one. Which makes me want to punch you in the face because:

-We've had over 4,000 hits on this site since October. If half of that is the Oshawa crowd that's still pretty impressive. HOW?

-Our podcast, though choppy and dormant since February, is still being subscribed to. On Podbean we've gotten over 300 hits on episodes. HOW?

-We haven't written anything in ages? WHY?

Compared to other places on the internet we're behind the curve, but since we have no promotion, no advertising and no inclination to get after any of that, this is still pretty impressive. In a world where you could throw a rock and hit some guy writing a blog about LeBron James' extensive emu collection, 4,300 hits is a start. I consider these eight months to be a failing success; because we're starting to slip on something that's not half bad.

That calls for a shake-up of sorts. I've always thought that we've diluted the strength of our work by not focusing on one aspect of the sports world. We're all over the place. Two men taking on an entire genre is too heavy a burden for anyone but McGwire circa '99 to carry. I fancy this blog to be a sporting lifestyle kind of thing, so we're going to need help to encapsulate that feeling.

My second beef is with shoddy grammar, spelling and anything else that gets my nerdy Irish up. I'm not exactly a perfectionist, but when I see the incorrect use of words like, "their" "there" and "they're" I want to scrape the paint off the Mona Lisa and feed it to small animals. If The Chirp Show is to live, the standards must increase.

Is this too much to ask? Probably. But I'd rather Chirp Hard or die trying.

That said, Head, Duigy, and Brad. Start writing stuff for us and I'll buy you a cocktail of your choosing when I return home. I'll give you whatever you need to write, except handies or money. Nickerson, stop being lazy and a decent lob-ball pitcher and write something.

And, finally, Geoff. You fuck.

Stop eating all the peyote.

Oh, and I guess I promised you some sports stuff. Well, I lied. The NBA Playoffs have been pretty good though. Maybe I'll write something about that. Later. Right now I have to microwave chicken wings and light a cigarette off the oven's element.

Go forth, people. Let it be known that the sheriff is back in town. His first act will be to arrest the roving gang of internet bikers who terrorize these parts.

Like the man born with the world's largest testicles, we will overcome.

NFL Mock Draft

2010-04-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

James Banks Kiper jr:

My final prediction is that the Bills are going to get Anthony Davis from Rutgers and that Okung, Bulaga, Williams, Bradford, and Clausen are all gone. But in my mock it has the Bills taking a DE. And I honestly think Minny will draft a QB at 30 but Jahvid Best might be too good to pass up on.

Here's the rest of the draft:

1. St. Louis Rams – QB Sam Bradford Oklahoma

Unless a lowball offer to Suh or Clausen goes through this will be the pick.

2. Detroit Lions - DT Ndamukung Suh Nebraska

Suh’s a beast, and he’s too much to pass up on even though Okung should be the pick here.

3. Tampa Bay Buccanneers – DT Gerald McCoy Oklahoma

Gerald McCoy resembles Warren Sapp so this pick makes too much sense not to happen.

4. Washington Redskins - OT Russell Okung Oklahoma State

Washington addressed their QB need by signing McNabb. That signing won’t make a difference if they have scrubs on their O-Line

5. Kansas City Chiefs – S Eric Berry Tennessee

Most think Kansas City will take a tackle here but I think Berry is too much to pass up on (by a team who generally drafts BPA). Berry is the next Ronnie Lott.

6. Seattle Seahawks – OT Trent Williams Oklahoma

Seattle could do a lot of things here. Spiller and Bryant are options but Trent Williams is a very good tackle and they should be happy he slipped this far.

7. Cleveland Browns – QB Jimmy Clausen Notre Dame

Unless Berry somehow slips to them I think Cleveland will take a QB. Delhomme is 35 and Seneca Wallace doesn’t even have a real position. Look for Cleveland to try to move this pick as they did last year for more players/picks since they have many holes to fill. But if this did go down it would be a big steal at 7.

8. Oakland Raiders – OT Brian Bulaga Iowa

Another tackle from Iowa? Oakland will make the right pick here despite most almost guaranteeing they will draft a real head scratcher once again. Bulaga will be a very dominant RT.

9. Buffalo Bills – DE Derrick Morgan Georgia Tech

If the top 3 tackles and top 2 qb’s have been taken here than Buffalo should try to move this pick. Another team will want to move up into the top 10 to select Dez Bryant Denver will snag him if he falls. If the pick is made Derrick Morgan makes sense due to his ties to Galey at Georgia Tech; as a 3-4 end or even as a situational pass rusher (see Brian Orakpo) for the Bills.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars – DE Jason Pierre-Paul SFU

Jacksonville had one of the scariest defensive lines in the league a few years ago but it has fallen apart. Jacksonville takes a chance on a high-risk high-reward freak from SFU.

11. Denver Broncos – WR Dez Bryant Oklahoma State

Denver is desperate at WR now that Brandon Marshall has been traded. I still think a team will move up to beat Denver to Bryant but if he is available Denver has no choice put to pull the trigger on Deion’s Diva.

12. Miami Dolphins – NT Dan Williams Tennessee

Jason Furgeson’s replacement will take a few years but he will be a top NT for a long time.

13. San Francisco 49ers – CB Joe Haden Florida

Nate Clements is old and San Fran needs to improve their secondary. Joe Haden is considered a steal this late.

14. Seattle Seahawks – RB CJ Spiller Clemson

Spiller is the most complete back to come out since Adrian Peterson. He should be a great every down back in the NFL.

15. New York Giants – LB Rolando McClain Alabama

The Giants should be happy landing the future of their defense in the middle of the draft.

16. Tennessee Titans – CB Kyle Wilson Boise State

Tennessee turned their season around drastically last year. Some think it’s because of the resurgence of Vince Young but I think that once their secondary all came back from injuries they were a better team. A top CB will help them back to contention.

17. San Francisco 49ers – OT Anthony Davis Rutgers

San Fran is desperate for O-line help and Davis was once considered a top 5 pick.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers – OG Mike Iupati Idaho

Samoan players are all mean and nasty. This guy will be great (even though he looks like a pirate).

19. Atlanta Falcons – LB Sean Weatherspoon Missouri

Vocal leader who will reestablish Atlanta’s D. Easily the steal of the draft.

20. Houston Texans – WR Demaryius Thomas Georgia Tech

Now that Shaub has been healthy for a season, Houston realizes the potential if they had a better receiver opposite AJ.

21. Cincinnati Bengals – TE Jermaine Gresham Oklahoma

Cincy needs some firepower since Houshmandarcy has left for Seattle and Chris Henry fell off a truck.

22. New England Patriots – OLB Brandon Graham

New England is still trying to revamp their defense and this will be the long time replacement for Vrabel.

23. Green Bay Packers – OT Charles Brown USC

GB needs to protect Rogers. Everything else is set.

24.Philadelphia Eagles – S Earl Thomas Texas

This guy will make Philly forget about Brian Dawkins.

25. Baltimore Ravens – WR Golden Tate

Baltimore upgraded heavily by trading for Boldin but they still need another receiver to help Flacco be the top pivot he has the potential to be. Golden Tate is a poor man’s Hines Ward but he will be a long time starter.

26. Arizona Cardinals – OLB Sergio Kindle Texas

Since Dansby left Arizona hasn’t had a top pass rush. The freak from Texas should help change that.

27. Dallas Cowboys – S Taylor Mays USC

Dallas loves controversial players as much as Oakland does but some how it works out for them. Mays will slip but Dallas will turn him into a future pro bowler (like they did Roy Williams).

28. San Diego Chargers – RB Ryan Matthews Fresno State

San Diego needs a bruiser to go along with Sproles and Matthews will be a surprise to most but will be a great next level RB.

29. New York Jets – DE Everson Griffen USC

The Jets had the leagues best defense last year despite a few holes (a lot can be attributed to Revis). Griffen will start from day one and should help their run d.

30. Minnesota Vikings – RB Jahvid Best

Minny needs a QB for the future but it is still too early for Tebow or McCoy. Since they lost Chester Taylor, Minnesota will draft a fast change of pace back to compliment Peterson.

31. Indianapolis Colts – OG Maurkice Pouncey Florida

Indy needs O-Line help and will look to upgrade inside rather than reach for a second round tackle.

32. New Orleans Saints – DT Jared Odrick Penn State

The super bowl champs lucked out with Anthony Hargrove and need another young DT to improve their run defense.

The SCHWINGGGG of The Week

2010-03-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

Wait! You're telling me there has been a bounty on Jennifer Aniston this whole time? And I wasn't informed? I've been watching...Um never mind...Here's your new SCHWINGGGG Jennifer Aniston...My all time favorite I might add.

It's Tiger's World

2010-03-23T14:54:00.000-07:00

“Who’s managing this guy?” That’s the first thing I said after I watched the high school drama class reenactment of the Tiger Woods public statement. Oh wait! No that actually WAS Tiger Woods standing up there in front of a blue background rambling on and totally leaving me shaking my head.

After that public statement debacle, Tiger announced that he will be returning at The Masters, which the more I thought about it, this was actually a smart move. See the people of Augusta would rather you wear a muzzle and golf clap your way into a self induced coma than drink beer and cheer like an actual fan. So, if Tiger was ever going to resume his golf career this was the perfect place. But last Sunday, Tiger’s crack PR team was up to it again, finally doing what everyone wanted. An actual interview with Tiger, only problem was all Tiger did was leave people shaking their head again. When I went to ESPN to watch the interview and waited for the video to load, wondering “what will he say?” I saw that the video was only five minutes, so I immediately thought to myself “Oh, this just must be a clip” “ They must just be saving it for T.V.” Oh how I was wrong. Twitter started to explode with comments about how Tiger wasted our time again and that the interview was actually FIVE minutes! The interview gave me actually nothing other then I know exactly how many days he was in rehab (45) and that he would like to hear a few cheers at The Masters….Thanks Tiger!

The interview was quick, bland and less interesting than a muted podcast. Tiger wouldn’t give us any incite at all. I understood, why he would say nothing about the night of the famous "accident" because NEWS FLASH people! A domestic occurred and the face of “Just Do It” couldn’t spill those beans.

But there was much more Tiger could have talked about, and sorry but we already know you dropped your Buddhism but maybe tell us that you considered yourself a “Cocksmen” and wanted to keep up with your “mentor” Michael Jordan.(Just a feeling but I don’t think MJ will be Honorary Captain for any more US President teams ..Just a feeling) anything would have been better then two 5 minute quickie interviews with ESPN and The Golf Channel. (Where the same questions were asked)

ESPN's Bill Simmons said it best on his Twitter account @sportsguy33… “Enjoyed the 1st episode of ESPN's new series, "Frantic 5-Minute Interviews with Tom Rinaldi." Next week: Ben Roethlisberger!” You know the interview seemed rushed and totally controlled by Tiger, when the biggest name from ESPN is even bashing it.

The right questions were asked, but Tiger didn’t feel like he had to give the right answers and until Tiger does. It’s Tiger’s world and we are just living in it.

The SCHWINGGGG of The Week

2010-03-02T14:17:00.001-08:00

Megan Fox.....SCHWINGGGG

IF YOU’RE NOT CANADIAN YOU CAN SUCK OFF..By Ryan Head

2010-03-01T09:20:00.000-08:00

Much like Jeff wrote before me at 3pm yesterday I sat down to watch what I was anticipating to be the greatest hockey game of my lifetime. Although I’m still just a pup at the tender age of 22 I was so pumped and nervous to watch this game that I was guzzling beers like I was at a college kegger. I found myself in my basement crushing Canada’s favorite beer Busch. I mean Kokanee. Either way I sat down with the family, which is a complete battle when it comes to a USA-Canada hockey game. See unlike the average Canadian family I have a split down the centre as I am partially American. Yes, if the States were playing anyone but Canada I would probably cheer for them. But the fact is I’m as Canadian as Brett Hull, I like to think more so. When Canada won I was going bananas although the boys, Nickerson included think I am a closet American fan which is not the case and like to give me a hard time.

The last 17 days I have done dick all but watch Olympics and it has been unreal. Canadian athletes took a pounding in the media for not winning enough medals early on but proved to be great in the end taking not only the record for most gold medals by a host nation, but any Winter Olympic nation in history. Lets face it our athletes are world class from Alex Bilodeau to Jon Montgomery to the Curglar (Cheryl Bernard, don’t act like she’s not hot even though she’s in the 40+ category). The atmosphere in Vancouver has set a new high for Olympic Games and if you live in Canada and did not feel a shiver or a hint of emotion at some point during the games whether through hockey, skiing, snowboard, or the figure skating including Joannie Rochette then you can get the fuck out of this country. These games have showcased Canadian spirit at its finest. The fans at every event have been great. Out of control hockey fans, street parties, Whistler (need I say more for you Peak Season fans), and curling (yes I said it the curling crowd was off the hook. You will never here a crowd like that at a curling event ever again. Guaranteed. Considering I have been to funerals with more excitement than most curling matches I feel pretty confident in my guarantee), either way Canada has taken the world by storm. I could go on and on about these games being arguably the greatest of all time even with the tragic start but I will cut it short.

A positive note for VANOC is when one of the worst controversies was the fact the Women’s Hockey team crushed a few beers and smoked a couple stogies on the ice after their gold medal win is something to be proud of. After all we are Canadian and there is no better way to celebrate with the country you love than to raise up a glass (in Jon Montgomery’s case a pitcher) of Canada’s favourite beverage and be proud. Good luck to the stone faced Russians with 2014 because after what just happened in this great country your gonna need more than just vodka to outdo us strikingly gorgeous Canadians. We are the best and if you don’t agree with me than you can suck off!

The Golden Goal!

2010-02-28T15:38:00.000-08:00

Yessssssssssssssssssssssss! Is what I screamed when Sidney Crosby slide the puck past Ryan Miller in overtime.Which will be remembered as the Golden Goal forever. I also jumped up, raised my arms and ran around my basement but who's judging me? I just saw the biggest goal in my life time, if I wanted to strip down and run 50 km naked, who was going to stop me? The answer, other than my heart... no one because everyone screamed, everyone jumped and everyone acted like they were five years old, it was great... No, it was Golden!

This wasn't an NHL team winning the Stanley Cup, this was 23 guys winning a gold medal for an entire country. From Ontario to B.C to Halifax everyone was watching and everyone was cheering. What a day!

When I sat down at the start of my game I said to my Dad, You realize, pretty much everyone in this country is doing the exact same thing right now? His response, just a simple nod than, come on boys lets do this!

I don't have to give you a play by play of the game because everyone whose reading this watched the game. But we were winning 2-1 with 25 seconds to go, when Zach Parise tucked one pass Louuuuuongo and my heart sank. I felt like I was playing, I felt like Team USA just scored on me. It was heart breaking...less then a minute away from gold, taken away! Could anything be worse?

Well thankfully,we as a Country did not have to find out. 7: 40 in overtime Jarome Iginla found Crosby streaking to the net....game over!

Its the Golden Goal! A goal I will never forget, a moment that I will remember, where I was, who I was with and what a fool I looked like when it happen. What a moment!

The Golden Goal, Thank you Sidney Crosby. Thank you Team Canada. Yessssssssssss!

NFL Mock Draft ( Pre-NFL Scouting Combine)

2010-02-25T18:03:00.000-08:00

My Buddy Mel Duignan jr...I mean James Duignan's take on the NFL Draft (Pre-NFL Combine)

Mr. Duignan, you are now on the clock.

*Picks 10/11, 16/17, and 19/20 will be determined by a coin flip at the combine

1. St. Louis Rams – QB Jimmy Clausen Notre Dame

Jimmy Clausen isn’t the number one player but St. Louis can’t afford to let another franchise QB pass them by. In 2006 they took Ty Hill instead of Jay Cutler, in 2008 they took Jake Long instead of Matt Ryan, and in 2009 they took Jason Smith instead of Mark Sanchez. Each of these players has shown nothing through their first years in the NFL and I don’t think they will make this mistake a fourth time.

2. Detroit Lions – DT Ndamukung Suh Nebraska

Suh is easily the best player in the draft and is arguably one of the best college defensive-tackles ever. This would be an absolute steal if he slips to Detroit.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – DT Gerald McCoy Oklahoma

McCoy is a very different player than Suh as he is much quicker and more of a pass rushing defensive tackle. Though he isn’t as strong and as fast as Suh he makes up for it by being incredibly good at rushing the passer and stopping the run. He makes comparisons to Warren Sapp (which Bucs fans should love)

4. Washington Redskins – LT Russell Okung Oklahoma St.

Sorry Darcy although it was close I don’t have Washington reaching for Tebow or Legarrette Blount. Washington’s O-Line was so bad last year that they had to start two ex- Bills players. Okung is believed to be the best LT in a deep class and should be an instant blindside starter.

5. Kansas City Chiefs – LT Anthony Davis Rutgers

Kansas City has many needs and could go defense here but I believe they will try to protect their Cassel investment by moving Brandon Albert back to guard and drafting a natural Left-Tackle.

6. Seattle Seahawks – QB Sam Bradford Oklahoma

Matt Hasselbeck sucks, he’s old, and the Seahawks need a fresh start with their new coach. If Pete Carrol wasn’t spending so much time living with underage girls in Malibu he’d realize that Sam Bradford’s shoulder should be a giant red-flag…. unfortunately he has been.

7. Cleveland Browns – S Eric Berry Tennessee

Cleveland has major secondary needs and Eric Berry could be the next Ed Reed. He is the best defensive player available and would upgrade any defense in the NFL.

8. Oakland Raiders – CB Joe Haden Florida

Oakland has been strategically planning to draft a franchise CB to oppose Nnamdi Asomugha, creating one of the most dominant secondaries in the NFL. I’m just kidding; I expect Joe Haden to run sub 4.4 at this weekend’s combine and that should be good enough for Al Davis to pull the trigger.

9. Buffalo Bills – LT Brian Bulaga Iowa

Buffalo has 11 needs on offense and 11 needs on defense. They should be drafting the best player available, however, for some reason Bills fans think that the key to Buffalo’s problems is a franchise left tackle. I guess no one remembers Jason Peters being in Buffalo and them still sucking. Same build, same position, and same school as Robert Gallery, however Ralph Wilson seems to only draft who the fans ask for. Buy some stocks in Labatt if Buffalo selects this guy… it’s going to be a long season!

10. Denver Broncos – DE Derrick Morgan Georgia Tech

Brandon Marshall will not be traded. If he and McDaniels can get over his antics in camp last year and have a successful season than I’m sure there should be no problem this offseason. Derrick Morgan will most likely be a 3-4 DE but has very good pass rushing abilities from the 3-4 and draws comparisons to Richard Seymour.

11. Jacksonville Jaguars – WR Dez Bryant Oklahoma St.

Jacksonville has been looking for a good wide-receiver forever and if they can land Dez Bryant here than they will have a very good receiving unit with the emergence of Mike Sims-Walker. Now all they need is Garrard to play like its 2007.

12. Miami Dolphins – OLB Brandon Graham Michigan

Would fit perfect in a 3-4 as he is too short (6’1) to play DE in a 4-3. This will work out great as Miami has gotten rid of Joey Porter and Jason Taylor, and are in the hunt for another 3-4 OLB opposite Cameron Wake. Hopefully Miami has learned their lesson with Ginn and won’t select Golden Tate at 12.

13. San Francisco 49ers – MLB Rolando McClain Alabama

Takeo Spikes isn’t getting any younger and McClain was one of the top defensive players in college last year, anchoring a national championship defense. The kind of guy Mike Singletary likes.

14. Seattle Seahawks – OT Trent Williams Oklahoma

Now that Seattle has a franchise QB in Sam Bradford, they will need someone to replace Walter Jones, and although many believe Williams fits well as a RT prospect, he has the size and speed to be an acceptable left tackle.

15. New York Giants – DE Jason Pierre-Paul South Florida

Pierre-Paul will slip due to only having one good season in college but he has the ability to be a top 10 pick. Until he lights up the 40 and bench at the combine he will be a mid-first round pick but I wouldn’t be surprised if a team took a chance on him early (cough…Oakland…cough).

16. San Francisco 49ers – CB Kyle Wilson Boise St.

Since Nate Clements is made out of Popsicle sticks and a hot glue gun (stole that joke from Darc) San Fran will want to bring some youth to a very old defensive backfield. Kyle Wilson boosted his stock a lot at the senior bowl and should increase even more at the combine.

17. Tennessee Titans – DT Brian Price UCLA

Ever since Haynesworth signed with the Skins Tennessee has had a hole in the middle of their front 7. Price is a very good 4-3 tackle and should be able to start from day one.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers – OT Bruce Campbell Maryland

The Steelers have an excellent D and a very potent passing game, but if they want Roethlisberger to live through another season they need to address their O-Line needs. Campbell is a top LT who could step in right away and help one of the NFL’s worst offensive lines.

19. Atlanta Falcons – DE Carlos Dunlap Florida

Dunlap will slip a lot due to his off-field problems, but he is still a first round lock. Atlanta will be looking to fill a need at DE after missing hard with Jamaal Anderson in 2007.

20. Houston Texans – WR Arrelious Benn Illinios

They have a very good defense and an awesome passing attack but are just a few pieces away from being a playoff team. Adding a big and fast wide receiver will help them as they are going to lose Kevin Walter to free agency. Benn will be a very good wide out from day one as he will see a lot of 1-1’s due to the best WR in the NFL on the other side of him.

21. Cincinnati Bengals – WR Damian Williams USC

Damian Williams will be the big physical receiver the Bengals lacked last season after TJ Whosyourmama signed with the Seahawks. At his age Coles will be a very good slot receiver until Andre Caldwell can take over in a year or two. Cincinnati needs a big and strong wide out who are strong enough to hold on to the back of the truck while his girlfriend stops trying to throw him off. Too soon?

22. New England Patriots – CB Devin McCourty Rutgers

Their team is stacked and their only need is CB. This year’s Cornerback class is almost as deep as tackles and if McCourty is available this late he should be a steal for New England.

23. Green Bay Packers – DE Everson Griffen USC

The transition into the 3-4 worked great last year for Green Bay until they got demolished by Arizona in one of the best wild-card games ever. Everson Griffen is a big anchoring 3-4 end who will help out Johnny Jolly who is not a natural fit at end.

24. Philadelphia Eagles – RB Ryan Matthews Fresno State

While recently releasing Brian Westbrook, Philly needs a workhorse back who can run between the tackles. LeSean McCoy had a great rookie season but is too small to run between the tackles and is more of an elusive third down back. Matthews is 5’11 225 and will be able to be a natural fit on goal line situations, something Westbrook wasn’t (see Andy Reid play calling 2008).

25. Baltimore Ravens – LB Brandon Spikes Florida

Baltimore is still looking for their replacement for Bart Scott. Since Ray Lewis won’t be around forever, Baltimore needs to start looking for replacements in the linebacker unit. Brandon Spikes is a very scary man.

26. Arizona Cardinals – S Earl Thomas Texas

Arizona has a few needs on defense including linebacker and defensive end but Earl Thomas is too good to pass up this late (especially after Arizona’s secondary was obliterated by Green Bay in the wild-card round). He would be a perfect fit for Arizona as it will allow Adrian Wilson to play in the box more.

27. Dallas Cowboys – OLB Sergio Kindle Texas

Staying in his home state this would be a great pickup for Dallas. Anthony Spencer sucks and Kindle and Ware would be scary to line up against. He should move up after the combine.

28. San Diego Chargers – RB Jonathan Dwyer Georgia Tech

With LT being released and Darren Sproles a free agent, there is a good chance San Diego will have to look for a new workhorse back. Dwyer played in a system offense in college but showed that he is a powerful runner between the tackles and very fast once he breaks the line of scrimmage.

29. New York Jets – RB Dexter McCluster Ole Miss

The Jets don’t have many holes. Their one problem is youth which will take some time to overcome. Once Sanchez has some quality starts under his belt he should be an absolute freak. Shonn Green took over last year when Thomas Jones started to get worn out and should be the premier back going into 2010. McCluster is only 5’8 165 but plays like Devin Hester and would be an ideal third down back. Every play from him is a highlight reel.

30. Minnesota Vikings – DT Dan Williams Tennessee

Fat Pat’s diabetes is going to kick in at one point or another and Minnesota should plan for it soon. Dan Williams is an exact replica of Pat Williams being 6’3 335 and should be ready to take over once Williams is done. Sorry Jeff, Tebow throws too much like a girl to be taken in round 1.(Editors note: I think Tim Tebow will be playing in the CFL in 3 years...Now thats a Nicker guarantee!)

31. Indianapolis Colts – S Taylor Mays USC

Bob Sanders gets hurt every play and isn’t getting younger. Taylor Mays is an extremely fast and hard hitting safety who struggles in coverage but makes up for it in the open field. He plays more like a linebacker but if Indy can put him in the same situations they put Sanders in, than he will be a great fit.

32. New Orleans Saints – OLB Sean Weatherspoon Missouri

Although I love Scott Fujita for being 6’6 250 and being able to jump over a house (42’ vertical) he is a liability due to his speed and Weatherspoon is an ideal backer in the 4-3 Cover 2 scheme. Weatherspoon’s best trait is his leadership qualities, which is something that Sean Payton looks for in players.

Chew You Up And Spit You Out: Why The NFL Will Destroy Your Soul if You Think Too Hard

2010-02-24T09:28:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows what happens to a racehorse who just can't run, or at least the prevalent belief that exists. If you love animals you might want to cover your ears (because I want you to read it).

They shoot them.

It's part of the business and without it you would have nothing to make macaroni pictures on. Secretariat was your third-grade art project and Barbaro was what you huffed last night. It sucks, who doesn't like a horse? Well, I don't, but I still wouldn't shoot the fucking thing.

Yet plenty of drunks still attend the Kentucky Derby and many still go down to Woodbine; to blow money on these beautiful beasts that are one bad break from a bullet. Meh.

In a lot of ways the NFL is a lot like horse racing. There's a bunch of juiced up animals being ridden by tiny jockeys while the owners sit in the luxury box and a bunch of boozed-up gamblers cheer them on from the stands. That's about as apt an analogy you're going to find here, and all that I'm prepared to give.

Where is he going, you ask? Don't patronize me, you know. We just saw Brian Westbrook and LaDainian Tomlinson get kicked to the curb like so much dead horse and the world keeps spinning.

Trying to feel bad for a professional athlete is a hard thing to do. They make the money and we sit here and worship them. Not a bad life for either, they live the lives we wish we lived; and that distraction keeps us from realizing we haven't lived the life we wanted. And then there is always the ones who never made it or never had a chance to become relevant. They may be the hardest done by.

No professional league discards its heroes with more callousness than the NFL though (except maybe the CFL).

What happened to Willie Parker, or Edgerrin James, or Shaun Alexander, or Priest Holmes, or Dante Hall, or David Tyree? A few examples, but all of them disposable heroes that have faded from our consciousness.

The NHL has ageless wonders like Chris Chelios. Major League Baseball has Jamie Moyer and the HGH to prolong Vin Scully's lifespan. The NBA comes close to the NFL in longevity, but even Shaq can play roles until he decides to hang it up and watch Wheel of Fortune.

For years Tomlinson toiled on a hopeless Chargers team, rushing for thousands of yards and leading his team in receptions. Last season he was just in the way.

Playing ten years in the NFL is a godsend. Any longer than that and the vultures circle above, ready to anoint the next sacrificial lamb. The replacements come in, eager for the same fate that awaited their predecessors. It's a conveyor belt to the glue factory, and it's no wonder why athletes are eager to implant themselves into our memories.

Spending five or ten years in the spotlight and being dismissed must be like being administered morphine for a month and then handed some Tylenol. It's why Brett Favre can only be killed by silver bullets, or why Mike Vick has a reality show. They're all chasing the dragon.

Great football players come and go and all that's left is the fans. Their career unfairly lasts decades, but their memories are measured in milliseconds.

The NFL is the temple, we're in the pews, and hundreds of players past are up on the cross. Today's game is made possible from the blood of those forgotten years ago, and that's the way it always will be.

Will you stop watching? Fuck no. Football is a staple of sports and the NFL is diving into ponds of gold like Scrooge McDuck.

Plus, football is the one sport where you can minimize the human element. The players are hermetically sealed in their equipment and are literal pawns in the plans of their coach. In the same way you can't relate to a horse, you can't relate to a three hundred pound monster cloaked in shoulder pads.

Henry Ford said history is bunk, but fuck that guy. The Hall of Fame might be a bloated, and useless, institution, but everyone remembers the best. Football moves forward but the effort must be made in the minds of every fan to remember the players who come and go in the blink of an eye; leaving only their broken bones and creaky bodies in the public eye. Otherwise there's no point in watching anymore, where would the precedent for good football exist?

If you're going to watch the meat-grinder that is the NFL, at least take time to savour the hamburger you stuff into your face.

NOW WHO WANTS TO DO A MOCK DRAFT WITH ME?

The SCHWINGGGG of The Week

2010-02-15T15:12:00.000-08:00

Brooklyn Decker! She's an SI cover model for a reason....SCHWINGGGG

Fixing The NBA All-Star Game

2010-02-15T11:20:00.000-08:00

As I sat at home watching the 2010 NBA all-star game, I thought to myself this could be better... a lot better. I’ve talked to my buddies about this before and I think I have a plan to fix it. Bring more fans in (Even though there were over a hundred thousand people in attendance last night) and overall just make it more enjoyable for the fans and players.

We all know the fan voting isn’t working case and point; Allen Iverson getting a starting position , even though he’s played as well Queen Latifah sings. But yes, it’s smart for the NBA to keep it in because it makes fans feel involved. So I’m going to keep the voting the same but with one exception fans still pick five players (Two guards, two forwards and one centre) from each conference but here’s where things get interesting those five players don’t necessarily have to start. I’ll explain this more in a bit. So like normal, 5 players are selected for each conference by the fans, then like always the coaches pick the rest of the players to make out each roster.

Now, here is how you fix it. Each year we have a top vote getter from each conference; this year it was Lebron from the East and Kobe from the West, (Yes, I know Kobe was hurt but forget that for the sake of this) with Lebron being the overall top vote getter. So here’s what you do. You bring Lebron and Kobe, easily the two biggest names in the game to centre court at half time of the Rookie Vs Sophomore game, sit them down at separate tables, with a list of the rest of players in the All Star game and a microphone. Have the rest of the players in the game sitting at one end of the court. Then have a fantasy style draft, where Lebron (who would go first because he was the overall top vote getter) and then Kobe start picking players one by one till the last name is said.

Tell me this wouldn’t bump up ratings on Friday night and you wouldn’t be glued to your television watching this. Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith would be 100 times more excited about each pick then they were at any point of the Dunk Contest on Saturday.

Here’s how I feel it would play out (with Ernie Johnson hosting)

Ernie: Lebron your first on the clock

(Lebron looking already half in the bag, ready to go host a party with Drake)

Lebron: With the first pick… The Kings Men Select Dwayne Wade from the Miami Heat

Crowd cheers

(Wade comes up does an over top handshake with Lebron and takes a picture with a Kings Men jersey)

Kenny Smith: Ok, Ok, Young Fella…Great pick by Lebron… D- Wade and Lebron Can’t go wrong with that!

Charles: He only got picked because he does commercials with me!

Ernie: Ok, Kobe you’re up

Kenny: See, here is where things get interesting Chuck does Kobe feel he has to pick Pau Gasol because they on the Lakers together?

Charles: Kenny that’s turrrrrible, Kobe don’t care, he here to win and sorry to Pau he a great player but he aint no first pick that’s for sure. That’s turrrible

Kobe: The Black Mambas Select with their first overall pick Dwight Howard

Kenny: OHHH Kobe going with the Big Man! I like it! I like it!

Charles: Told you Kenny, Kobe don’t care.

Here’s how I think the rest of the draft would go

The Kings Men: Carmelo Anthony

The Black Mambas: Chris Bosh (Pau Gasol stopped smiling at this point)

The Kings Men: Amare Stoudemire ( Lebron giving a wink to the camera, making Danny Ferry realize he better get this trade done or bye bye Lebron.)

The Black Mambas: Steve Nash (If Kobe wants M.V.P he wants Nash passing him the ball)

The Kings Men: Deron Williams

The Black Mambas: Dirk Nowitzki (Getting a big cheer by the Dallas crowd and making Pau Gasol even angrier)

The Kings Men: Joe Johnson

The Black Mambas: Kevin Durant

The Kings Men: Pau Gasol ( Giving Kobe a dirtier look then everyone gives a Heidi Montag picture, some times my stomach hurts when I see her)

The Black Mambas: Rajon Rondo (Another passer making sure Kobe gets his shots, also angering all Celtic fans in the process)

The Kings Men: Paul Pierce

The Black Mambas: Gerald Wallace

The Kings Men: Derrick Rose

The Black Mambas: Chauncey Billups

The Kings Men: Kevin Garnett

The Black Mambas: Tim Duncan

(Those two picks went in that order because both players told Kobe and Lebron, “I don’t want to play more then ten minutes”…also “I wouldn’t be here unless I had to in” Duncan’s case. For Kg he would probably say “If either of you Mother F**** pick me last I’ll F**$#$$ kill you!” I still feel KG would be fired up because he got picked so late and might actually show some life in this game. If he did, it would be the first time this year.)

The Kings Men: Al Horford

The Black Mambas: Zach Randolph

The Kings Men: David Lee

The Black Mambas: Chris Kaman

(What? You thought two white guys wouldn’t go last? You don’t watch the NBA then)

Here are the final rosters:
The Kings Men: Starters Lebron, D-Wade, Carmelo, Amare and Deron Williams
Bench: Johnson, Rose, Gasol, Pierce, Garnett, Horford and Lee

The Black Mambas: Starters: Kobe, Dwight, Bosh, Dirk and Nash
Bench: Durant, Wallace, Billups, Duncan Randolph and Kaman

Ernie: Well, NBA fans here are your 2010 NBA All-Star team! The Kings Men and The Black Mambas!

Tell me Kobe and Lebron wouldn't play at 100 percent and that if you double the winning teams prize money, we wouldn’t have a good game? Plus think of how much Pau Gasol would want to beat Kobe and how players would feel about someone being picked ahead of them. I don’t want to see nine thousand fist bumps with the other team. I want the players pissed off and saying “ No Mother F*$**^** way we losing this game! I feel this could help at least it wouldn’t be turrrrible

The SCHWINGGGG of The Week

2010-02-09T13:42:00.000-08:00

Who Dat? Kim Kardashian Dat! SCHWINGGGG

Super Bowl! Super Bowl! Super Bowl!

2010-02-07T11:28:00.000-08:00

Forgive me if I'm not as pumped for this game as I should be. My Vikings, I believe should be there and I haven't even really been able to talk about the loss, it still hurts and will for some time.

I Saw the Saints live this year in Buffalo, check out part 1 and part 2 of that day here, so it would be pretty cool to say, "I saw the Superbowl champions" but, sorry "Who Dat" Nation but Payton Manning is playing the best football i've ever seen. Also don't think the Saints really won their last game against the Vikings, we pretty much gave it to them.

So here it is Colts 34 Saints 28

Payton Manning M.V.P

Enjoy the game...i'll try to.

Turning a New Leaf

2010-02-02T15:43:00.000-08:00

When I woke up Sunday morning, after a weekend where I saw Darius Rucker and Rascal Flats in concert, which was unreal; I had an hour and half drive home. I turned on the radio and I thought the only thing I’d hear about would be how the Maple Leafs gave up a three goal lead and lost 5-3 to the Canucks, I was totally wrong. Brian Burke pulled off a couple blockbusters with the Flames and Ducks, giving up six players and getting four in return. The biggest names in the group are J.S Giguere and Dion Phanuef, and surprisingly both are now Leafs.

The Leafs getting the best player in the deal is not something you hear often, usually they trade for players who haven’t done much yet in their career (i.e. Darcy Tucker, Bryan McCabe) or players waaaaaaaaaaayyy past their prime (i.e. Brian Leetch, Ron Francis). So the Leafs getting a stud defenseman who’s only 24 years old is a bit shocking, especially when you consider the players they gave up: Matt Stajan, Nik Hagman, Ian White and Jamal Mayers…Yawn. Stajan is a second line centre on an mid-level team, Hagman is a good second line scorer, White has had the best year of his career but at best should be your fourth best d-man, and Jamal Mayers is a solid role player. Looking at that, you think “Okay, not bad for Calgary”….wrong! It's horrible! Yes, Phanuef is having an off year, and it seems like he was a popular in the Flames dressing room as crabs; but he’s a 24 year old d-man who was a finalist for a Norris trophy and was in the running for Team Canada.

You could tell Calgary wasn’t going to go anywhere with their team but let's think for a second. Exactly what is Calgary missing?... Give you a little more time…got it? Okay, here it is: A first line centre to play with one of the best scoring wingers in the NHL Jarome Iginla. Didn’t Darryl Sutter listen to everyone and anyone who ever watched a Leafs game say Matt Stajan isn’t a first line centre? I guess not. They could have packaged Phanuef to a lot of different teams with way better offers than the Leafs gave them. Take Philadelphia for example, their defense has been very soft this year besides Chris Pronger, and this team needs a shake up bad. Let’s say they packaged either Jeff Carter or Daniel Briere with James Van Riemsdyk or Claude Giroux. That gives them their top line centre and a young top six forward. That sounds a lot better than Stajan, White and Mayers for the rest of this year and Hagman for the next two.

Calgary’s grade for the trade: D

Now let’s talk about how Phanuef can help the Leafs. He’s easily the Leafs' top D-man who will run the power play and play over twenty five minutes a night. The problem is he hasn’t found his game yet this year and could take a while to adjust. And knowing Leaf fans they will get on Dion as soon as he coughs up a puck or is a minus 3 one night. Problem is this Leafs team is so awful right now, there is no way he can finish this season looking like he turned the team around. They have zero scoring up front, no one to play with Phil Kessel, and a player so bad in Rickard Wallin that when I’m watching the game in HD I switch to basic cable so I can’t see him just as clearly. If the Leafs made this deal without giving up two first round picks and a second for Phil Kessel (hated that trade), I would love this move because I don’t believe it's for now, it’s for the future and I like that. Even if Phanuef doesn’t live up to expectations, they gave up nothing of importance to get him. Plus, we also get to see more of Elisha Cuthbert (I smell a SCHWINGGG).

Toronto’s grade for the trade: B

In the second deal, the Leafs traded Jason Blake and Vesa Toskala to the Ducks for J.S Giguere. Pretty much bad contract for bad contract is what people have been saying, but I don’t agree.

The Ducks get Blake, who will fit nicely into the Ducks second line. And when you look at the Ducks lineup, you see that they are pretty much replacing Teemu Selanne (who will most likely retire) and Saku Koviu (who most likely wont be back next year) with Blake. Toskala comes into be the backup for the rest of the year, then will be sent packing.

Duck’s grade on the trade: B-

For the Leafs, they get a goalie in Giguere who has led a team to a Stanley cup and is actually only a couple days older than Toskala. Also, Giggy only has the rest of this year and next left on his deal. He wants a chance to be a starter again in the NHL, and Toronto could be the place for him. I’m not sold on Gustavsson, and I don’t believe the Leafs are either because they won't even give him more starts the rest of the way. So it’s up to J.S. to take over the net.

Leafs Grade on the trade: B

Please Leaf fans, I’m pleading with you to give these trades time. Who cares if they lose their next 5 games? It's all about the future, and for the first time in a long time, it's starting to look like the Leafs might have one.

The SCHWINGGGG of The Week

2010-02-01T15:06:00.000-08:00

Beyonce!

Sorry Jay-Z but I had to do it.....SCHWINGGGG

The Tuesday Two Four: Hardcore Nudity Edition

2010-01-26T17:41:00.001-08:00

1) Greg Oden thinks it's getting hot in here- He wants to take his clothes off (and by that I mean he's taking nekkid pictures of himself and they found their way online). I don't know how to link this so here goes. If you want to see Greg Oden's hog, I'm sure you can Google it or something. Meanwhile, here's confirmation that it is, in fact, Oden's bird. Let's just say he makes Visanthe Shiancoe look like he's packing a roll of Certs. Good God.

2)Terrance Cody brings all the boys to the yard- Here's a nice picture of the former Alabama (and soon to be NFL) nosetackle doing his little dance on the catwalk. Am I the only one turned on right now?

3) The Vikings lose, this explains it- If you saw the fumblefest on Sunday between the Saints and Vikes, here's a possible reason:

In the picture, one Adrian Peterson is seen eating some fries before the NFC Championship game. Were the fries a little too greasy? Fictional sources say that Peterson then dipped his hands in motor oil while tickling a slug. His hands were slippery, I guess is what I'm trying to say. NOW THAT'S WACKY!

4) It's About Time- And here comes the Tiger Woods porn! It was only a matter of time, and that's sad on so many levels (which is lazy-speak for I don't want to describe the levels). That being said, perverts everywhere are rejoicing, perhaps with a Tiger-esque fist pump. Then they go home and rip off another kind of fist pump. Hey-O! Leno's writing the jokes today, folks.

5) Some More Favre Fun- For your viewing pleasure, a compilation of Brett Favre's season-ending interceptions.

6) Yeah, it took me this long to get to the Super Bowl- The match up is set, the Indianapolis Colts vs. the New Orleans Saints. The Mannings are already 6 point favorites and I'm still baffled by Drew Brees' combover. He looks like he's going to do the Charleston on a flagpole at any second. Cheering up New Orleans should mean not reminding them of the Great Depression, Drew. At the least you could bring a Tommy Gun to the stadium and call Sean Payton, "Copper". In for a penny, in for a pound.

7) Big Baby wants his bottle- Glen Davis, also known as "Big Baby", wants a new nickname. So far, the leader going into the clubhouse is, "Uno Uno"; in the vein of Chad Ochocinco. Fuck that. Has Kevin Garnett taken a sabbatical from being a bad ass?

Big Baby: Hey Kevin

KG: What's up Big Baby?

BB: Um, I'm actually going by Uno Uno now.

KG: The fuck you are.

BB: But-

KG: (smacks Big Baby in face) Listen you pablum-eating FUCK. I'm going to tell you this once, and only once: Your name is Big Baby. I say Big, You say Baby. I say Goo Goo, You say Ga Ga. I say jump and you say I'm a baby who doesn't have the musculature for it.

BB: But-

KG: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK.

8) Attack of the Space Coin- The crew of the space shuttle is bringing a coin that was in space to be flipped at the Super Bowl. I think there's a joke in there somewhere...I'll let you decide on terrible joke A, B, or C:

A) I hope it comes in peace!
B) Now that's gonna have taxpayers flipping their lids!
C) Who cares!

9) More food for Rex- Rex Ryan celebrated his team's miraculous run to the AFC Championship by laying off five assistant coaches. And by laying off, the team means that Ryan rolled off long enough for the coroners to come and pick up their bodies. No fat joke is too hacky when it comes to Rex Ryan, people. Just sit back and love it.

10) Super Bowl Playlist Revealed- The Who's Pete Townsend released the songs the two living members of the Who will play on Super Bowl Sunday. Some of the songs (and by some, I mean nearly all) are from CBS' (who is broadcasting the Super Bowl) favorite show CSI.

Well it looks like...
(takes off sunglasses)

...we're in for a super bowl.

11) Premature Celebration- One website decided that Brett Favre could not be defeated and decided to proclaim the Vikes NFC Champs prematurely. The website then promptly apologized to the internet saying that, "that never happens usually" and that it was just because, "you're so hot". The internet has turned down a second date.

12) The Cable Guy- Tom Cable has yet to be fired, and some people think it's just not gonna happen. Listen, All Davis, if he's hurting you there's help out there. Don't keep lying to yourself and pretending that he loves you.

13) Condensation: Nature's Assassin- The Boston Celtics had some trouble keeping their floor dry. Which gives me an excuse to show this video:

This is so much easier when other people can make jokes for me.

14) Javaris Crittenton admits nothing except gun possession- Yep, so Gilbert Arenas' counterpart in his Mexican Locker Room Standoff also admitted to having a gun. Crittenton was afraid Arenas would shoot him or, "blow up his car". If this is what's going on in the 14-30 Wiz clubhouse, what are things like with the New Jersey Nets? Is Courtney Lee putting anthrax in people's shoes? Does Brook Lopez have yellow cake uranium in his locker?

15) High Brow Comedy- Atlanta Hawks' coach Mike Woodson had his eyebrows go MIA on him. Some say it was an accident, but we all know he's just getting ready for next Halloween by preparing his Charlie Villanueva costume. Just don't let it turn out to be chemotherapy or something. The twenty people who read this blog will be outraged.

16) What does a guy have to do to get pranked around here?- A coach was subjected to a cruel prank that quickly got crueler when he somehow sank a half court shot blindfolded. If he made the shot he was to receive tickets to the Final Four, tickets the pranksters didn't have. After he stopped beating the children the coach laughed it off and went home to dissolve the students' bodies in acid.

17) Being a jerk is still not a good thing- Former NBA non-star, Paul Shirley let the world know exactly how he feels about Haiti. Yeesh. Why wouldn't you just not donate instead. I'm sorry that Haiti isn't exactly stable, but I'm sure that letting the country wither on the vine is still a dick move. If you don't like their politics, move down there after all this and run for office. Otherwise, fuck off.

18) Kenyon Martin is just fined- The titular player was docked $35, 000 for arguing a call.

Oi. Does David Stern swim in a big pile of fine money like Scrooge McDuck? When he and his wife fight does she write him a $10, 000 cheque after? Is it obvious I'm losing my zest for this Two Four? Let's wrap things up.

19) The Space Filler- Read this. IF YOU DARE!!!!!

Doesn't anyone else find the luxury tax scary?

20) Drink of the Week- Pilsner

Look at that Saskatchewan Champagne. It's glorious. I would punch the Pope if he stood between me and one of these babies. No offense, your Holiness, but it's a good beer.

21) TV Show of the Week- Human Target.

I have no idea what the hell is going on in this show except stuff happens, crazy stuff FYI, and people get beat up. It's the biggest collection of cliches ever, but I watched a whole episode and didn't hate it. Then again, I didn't graduate from college.

22)Foodstuff of the Week- Pizza. 'Nuff said.

23) Song of the Week- Lawyers, Guns and Money- Warren Zevon

24) Movie of the Week- Videodrome
I won't put a trailer up or anything, but it stars James Woods and is the weirdest thing I've ever watched. A television gets shot and human intestines come exploding out of it. Explain that to me. YOU CAN'T.

Listen Up, Get Down

2010-01-26T16:21:00.000-08:00

Do you remember the days when we had a podcast? The Chirp Show remembers. We decided to start a year 26 days late by finally yakking it up. We've got a playoff recap, Super Bowl semi-preview, NBA talk (including the All Star game), a Jersey Shore soundboard, and best of all a guest who offers little to no spice. It's craaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!*

As always, you can listen to the podcast here on the website, or go to Podbean (it's in the links guys) and listen to it there; where you can also subscribe to it on iTunes or your RSS feed.

*Actually it's kinda weak.

For Nickerson (To Make Him Feel Better)

2010-01-25T11:39:00.000-08:00

The internet was made for things like this. Complete thingy here.

For Nickerson (Plus Some Excess Brett Favre-Hate)

2010-01-25T09:53:00.000-08:00

This is all I have now, taking potshots at a team and man that so many others hate. Why do we hate Brett Favre so much? I've compiled a short list:

-The media won't shut the fuck up about him. It's like that scene in Clockwork Orange where they hold the guy's eyes open but force him to watch Brett Favre; and in the background Joe Buck is talking about Brett Favre; and in front of you Brett Favre has his head under your nose so you can only smell Brett Favre. Brett Favre.

-The phrase "gunslinger" has no meaning anymore. Try slinging a gun and not have someone mention Favre's name. John Wayne is rolling in his grave and the other dead people are saying he looks like Brett Favre.

-He ate the last piece of pizza, but left the crust just to piss you off. I need cheese you bastard.

-His daughter/wife is very attractive, but there's no chance any of us will hook up with them.

-He plays for the Minnesota Vikings, who officially stopped being cool to cheer for when they ran Randy Moss and Daunte Culpepper out of town. Way to strangle that baby in the crib.

-Those Wrangler commercials where he throws the stick to the dog with great accuracy, but still won't throw it out of bounds in games like yesterday. The dog from Homeward Bound won't get you a Super Bowl ring.

-His constant face-stubble. Either grow yourself a real beard or mustache or shave that thing. You're one ironic T-Shirt away from being called a hipster.

-He's blocking the progress of Tarvaris Jackson who...sorry I can't even finish that one.

-One time he cut in line at the liquor store check out. HOW DARE YOU PRIORITIZE YOUR SUBSTANCE ABUSE OVER OURS.

-He was hooked on Vicodin but wasn't Dr. House so it didn't help anybody. Nice job, pal. How many infectious diseases did you diagnose on Vicodin? That's what I thought.

-The way that people make subtle quips about how he may have used PED's. Stop being so old and good so people will shut up about steroids for ten seconds. So inconsiderate.

-His wife never returns my calls.

-When he farts it passes through Peter King's brain and then into the Monday Morning Quarterback column.

-The way he tries to make it look like he's having fun all the time. Yesterday he was getting hit with sacks of doorknobs and he wouldn't stop smirking. He's literally become the NFL's Ned Flanders.

Stupid Sexy Favre.

It's okay to get mad at stuff Brett, you're being hit by large men repeatedly. Start yelling at Brad Childress or something.

-His wife made sub-par banana bread for my bake sale.

-Nickerson likes the Vikings so I'm obligated to hate on Favre.

-He kept giving his stem cells to John Madden to prolong his announcing career.

-He was actually a really good quarterback who we all got sick of.

Gonna miss you there, Brittfar.

*Note: Some of the above may have been fabricated.

The Gary Bettman Award (Knob of the Week); Plus The Jersey Shore

2010-01-21T16:02:00.000-08:00

When I started this award, two names I thought would never win were Tiger Woods or LeBron James. Well, I already gave it to Tiger for his starring role in the documentary, "Tiger on The Prowl" co-staring Elin Woods, Rachel Uchitel, and Hooter girls around the world. Now it's Lebron's turn. Lebron hasn't done anything too wrong but he has let me down.

Last NBA All Star weekend, Lebron announced he would be in the the dunk contest this year. Well, now LBJ has decided to not enter this year and he has let me down. Let's be honest, Lebron is the best player in the NBA (sorry Kobe) and he would bring so much life into the Dunk competition, which it sorely needs. Hell, it's not like it's taking time out of his busy schedule, he has sat and watched every single dunk-off since he has been in the league from the front row. Why not just put on some comfy shorts and do work? Now the lingering question: Is the King scared? Does he not have enough dunks to win? I dont buy it. Lebron's competition would be Shannon Brown, Gerald Wallace, Nate Robinson, and either Demar Derozan or Eric Gordon. All great dunkers but Lebron's the fan favorite by far. Also if you haven't seen Lebron live or on T.V; or even hosting shows like SNL or The ESPYS, the man knows how to work a room. He knows how to get a crowd behind him and *news flash* but every baller watching the show will totally be sucking up to him every chance they get. So unless Lebron's injured he has no excuse. Jordan, Kobe, and Dr.J have all done it and excluding Magic Johnson, those are the three players James says he looks up to the most. So for your fans, King, just do it!

*****

My partner at The Chirp Show, Geoff, hates The Jersey Shore as much Vince Carter hates trying at basketball. But like so many other people in this world I just can't get enough, and it's the highest rated show in MTV history. How can you not like it? You get seven people acting and saying the most retarded things you could only dream would ever be done or said on T.V. I laugh out loud during every episode. But the show is also great for tips on how to live your life. Such tips like GTL (Gym, Tanning, Laundry) as The Situation would say, "Those are the three things you need to look fresh and be a true Guido, it's the way of life" ....I'm not making this stuff up. Also, the show has gave me some great new terms for calling girls who, lets just say are not the luckiest charms in the box, such names as Grenades, Grenade Launchers and Hippos...again not making this up. The Jersey Shore is a fist pumping train wreck and I can't get enough.

Now let's compare Jersey Shore Members (except for Angelina, she left the show early and I'm pretty sure she's now a hooker) to professional athletes.

Lebron James > The Situation- Easily my favorite character on the show and easily my favorite player in the NBA. Lebron is the best player in the game but hasn't been able to push his team over the hump and win a championship; while The Situation believes he has all the game in the world but has only been able to seal the deal with one of the 35 girls he has brought home. Not great numbers for The Situation. Also, King James is built like a U-haul truck and The Situation asked the question " What could you possibly say to a guy who looks like Rambo with his shirt off?"....enough said.

Jason Giambi > Ronnie - Both have definitely dabbled in steroids, and both had chances to take their lives to the next level and failed. Giambi went to New York as a prized free agent and failed miserably, but bounced back with a couple good seasons near the end of his contract in a lesser role. Ronnie came to The Jersey Shore with the chance of being my favorite character and was ready to"squish" any girl he wanted while fist pumping his life away. Instead he decided to date a girl from the house (Sammy "Sweetheart") and became a pretty boring character; but he's starting to turn it around the last few episodes with a couple of Mike Tyson-style knockouts and making fun of The Situation.

Ron Artest> Snooki - They both want everyone to like them, but both have trouble getting what they want. Artest wants people to forget about his brawl in Auburn Hills and his drinking before games. Snooki wants to find, "A juiced up, tanned, Guido to grow old with". Both still haven't got what they wanted. One day, Snook, one day.

Gilbert Arenas> J Woww - Both made big mistakes this year, Gilbert showed off his gun collection at work, and J Woww showed off her stripper skills to someone who wasn't her boyfriend. J Woww also showed us why she has two W's at the end of her name...WOWW

Phil Kessel > Sammy Sweetheart- Both had so much hype going into this season and both failed to live up to it. Kessel was supposed to be the savior for the Toronot Maple Leafs, who are second last in the east. Whatta savior! Sammy Sweetheart was the best looking girl coming into the house and called herself a "heartbreaker." By week three she was dating Ronnie and sucking the fun out of the house. If season two ends without me seeing Sammy Sweetheart's Fred Flinstone toe, I too will be heartbroken.

Brett Favre > DJ Pauly D- Both are still rocking past their primes. Favre is leading my Minnesota Vikings through the playoffs at age 40, and DJ Pauly D is still dee-jaying at clubs and partying on MTV at 30. Both don't leave the house without one thing. The only difference is Favre's one thing is his Wranglers, while DJ Pauly D's one thing is his hair gel.

Rex Ryan > Vinny- From the start I hated both. I thought Rex Ryan would be better as the new Burger King "King", then as the head coach of the New York Jets. I thought Vinny was a waste of spot on the show. For the first couple of episodes all Vinny did was tell us he's a "momma's boy" and get a little too worried about a case of pink eye. With regards to both, I couldn't have been more wrong. Rex Ryan has become one of my favorite coaches in football, with his take no bullshit style. Also, no coach is better mic'ed up then Sexy Rexy, and he's winning. Vinny has grown on me in the same way herpes grows on Paris Hilton's upper lip every 6 months. He's stealing scenes every week, from hooking up with his bosses date, to fist pumping till his arm falls off. Now I couldn't imagine the show without him; just like i couldn't imagine the Jets without Fatzilla...I mean Rex Ryan.

The Jersey Shore's first season is over; is it sad that I actually can't wait for season 2? Don't lie, I know you can't either.

The SCHWINGGGG of The Week

2010-01-21T11:44:00.001-08:00

I know I made Marissa Miller a SCHWINGGGG of The Week before but this is what I did when I saw these pictures...SCHWINGGGG

Let The Short Form Continue

2010-01-19T20:27:00.000-08:00

Rex Ryan is a fantabulous coach that justifies me using a word that doesn't exist. Everyday I'm jealous that he doesn't coach my team because he just oozes confidence and gravy. Speaking of the latter, read this. Heftiness is a virtue apparently.

And because I hate to miss a chance to pile on, there's this:

A Tamed Tiger

2010-01-19T11:24:00.000-08:00

I guess my dream of Tiger Woods coming to the first hole of Augusta and doing a DX-style SUCK IT is not going to happen. Ol' Tig is trying to clean up his act. I'd rather him just do an interview and get it over with. But that's not how this pimp rolls...I mean golfer.

2010-01-19T08:27:00.000-08:00

Couldn't resist. The world needs to see this.

Courtesy of Kissing Suzy Kolber.

The Tuesday Two Four

2010-01-19T06:13:00.000-08:00

1) Jersey Shore is terrible- I know Nickerson has a thing for that gremlin Snooki, but Jesus, that show is like being given a colonic by a jackhammer. My brain was so insulted that it won't let me see the colour green anymore. ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS MEANINGLESS TO ME NOW.

2) Playoffs (Read that and try not to make the Jim Mora voice)- Did you know that the NFL is in the midst of their playoffs? It's true! Also, the games have kinda sucked. Three home favorites (Colts, Saints, Vikes) made mincemeat out of their opponents, and the Chargers choked incredibly hard. Which brings me to this...

3) It's time to give Rex Ryan some serious dap- Not only did he manipulate the gods into letting him into the playoffs, but he also has motivated his New York Jets into two huge victories. Beating the Bengals was meh, but the win against San Diego was staggering. It has to be the jolly fat guy factor. Everybody loves them. Except cardiologists.

4)And we come full circle- Yes, the Jets beat the Chargers. No, Norval Turner wasn't fired. In fact, Norvert had his contract extended. Yeesh. By this logic Wade Phillips should also get an exten-

5) Yep- Apparently the Dallas Cowboys are also leaning towards staying the course. Somewhere Marty Schottenheimer is punching a wall.

6) Chan Gailey?- The Buffalo Bills are trying to kill their entire fan base with one massive stroke; by seriously considering Chan Gailey to coach them next season. You may remember Gailey from his three losing Super Bowl appearances as an assistant coach. Or his brief stay as head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Because if there's one thing Bills fans need to see is more lost Super Bowls or reminders of the Dallas Cowboys.

7) Stephon Marbury is turning Japanese, but actually Chinese- Everybody's favorite Vaseline-eating shooting guard is heading to Shanxi to join their professional basketball team. The Great Wall has failed its purpose. I guess Marbury still has his hops.

8) Samuel Dalembert and his 7-Foot heart- Haiti is going through some serious trials and tribulations right now, and native son Sam Dalembert is en route. Dalembert's compassion reminds us all that there's more important things in life, and striving to be a better person is one of those things. If you're not one for charity this should be your awakening. Good luck, Sam.

9) Gilbert Arenas is in danger of losing his gun purchasing power- As Agent Zero is currently serving an indefinite suspension for losing his mind, his 111 million dollar contract is in jeopardy. I'd say this is a good thing, except that the Wiz may lose some serious...firepower? Eh? Eh? I'm not above terrible jokes.

10) LeBron James ain't never scurred...until that one time he was- LBJ has declined to enter this year's Slam Dunk contest. What a wuss. I know little people like Nate Robinson are freaky, but their small hands shouldn't dissuade our godsend James from competing. At least send that puppet of him out there.

11) Jose Offerman still swinging for the fences- Anything goes in the Dominican Republic, except punching umpires. Offerman had a little tiff during a Winter League game and decided that nothing wins arguments like fisticuffs. Unfortunately the umpire never got the memo and ended up eating knuckle. I still say he took a dive. Presumably to get his title shot against Lou Piniella.

12) Milton Bradley: Deadbeat- I met Bradley once when he was playing for the Montreal Expos. It was during Spring Training and my brother and I were transfixed on what we thought was the creator of board games playing baseball. We would have believed anything then, actually. But I would have never thought Bradley a bad tenant. Bradley apparently cut and ran on his Chicago condo while still under contract. He also played his stereo waaaaaay too loud.

13) Pujols got your back Mac- Albert Pujols told Mark McGwire he was proud of him coming clean about his steroid days. YAAAAAAAAAARGGGGH. This better not be going anywhere Albie, otherwise a lot of older gentlemen will write terrible things about you.

14) The repercussions of a pre-choke- Vincent Jackson had his car impounded and was handcuffed during a traffic stop before the Chargers loss on Sunday. Good thing this was before the game, otherwise they might have tried to pin the D.B. Cooper robbery, Zodiac killings, and Hindenburg disaster on him. But what a choke. Oh, the humanity!

Yeah, I'm lame.

15) Welcome home, Mike Nolan- My beloved Miami Dolphins are close to locking up defensive coordinator Mike Nolan. Nolan was part of the Denver Broncos blowing a 5-0 start this season which comforts me to no end. As long as Jason Taylor gets his daily head Nair-ing things will work out fine.

16) Sun Life wants in the game (also, in the name)- In lieu of the upcoming Super Bowl, Sun Life Financial has purchased the naming rights to Dolphin Stadium. Fine, whatever, you'll leave just like all the other names like Joe Robbie, Pro Player, and Land Shark Stadium. It's so hard to find a faithful name for your stadium these days.

17) Thank you, Jesus- John Daly is getting his own reality show. Although Daly has lost weight and reformed to some extent, you just know he's one good episode away from getting crazy again. People don't like John Daly because they think he's a waste of talent or whatever, but he's really just the id personified. He drinks, smokes, gambles, and does all the things you wish you could do. He also gets paid to golf and laughs in all of our faces. I will watch this show and it will be good.

18) Song of the Week- Party and Bullshit (In the USA)- Biggie Smalls and Miley Cyrus. I know I've proclaimed my love for a song similar to this before, but I'm not finished. I will listen to any variation of Party in the USA until my ears implode.

19) TV Show of the Week- 24. Jack Bauer is back and he's killing people at his usual clip. I feel complete.

20) Drink of the Week- The Pat Quinn. You take a bottle of Cutty Sark (scotch) and a bottle of Orange Crush, then mix until drunk. It will have you breathing fire, so, I don't know, bring some gum or something.

21) Foodstuff of the Week- How many things will there be this week? Even I don't know. For food though, let's go with egg rolls. I made my own this weekend and all it did was fill with ways on how to improve on them. Just pack them full of meat and cheese and pray to your god that heart attacks only happen to bad people.

22) Hockey? Sure, why not- Mike Fisher got engaged to Carrie Underwood this weekend. I don't know who either of those people are.

23) Real news about hockey? Sure, why not- Canada's World Junior captain Patrice Cormier was suspended indefinitely after delivering an elbow to an opponents head. Yeah, I'm just going to let that be.

24) I owe you nothing.

The SCHWINGGGG of The Week x 3

2010-01-13T14:27:00.001-08:00

Well, its been awhile since our last SCHWINNNNG, so here's three to make up for it. One of them is a 10 out of 10, the other two together add up to 9.5 out of 10...I'll let you figure it out.
(P.S. I'm more addicted to The Jersey Shore, than the "Situation" is to hair gel...it completes me, I feel dirty saying that.)

For Lane Kiffin

2010-01-13T10:28:00.000-08:00

So I've been kind of a downer lately. Let's laugh it up at Lane Kiffin's expense. He's gone from being a martyr for all who have coached under Al Davis, to the Tennessee Vols, and now to the USC Trojans. Here's a little ditty for him.

He's having a bigger identity crisis than that one terrible Ben Affleck movie. And there's a lot of them so you know it's bad.

Mike Danton: My New Classmate

2010-01-13T09:35:00.000-08:00

I go to Saint Mary's University in Halifax and have been for the last three years. It's a good school (although its moniker of Robie Street High suits it in some ways), and I've enjoyed my time here. When (and if I ever) I graduate I'll tell people this where I graduated from and once they're done laughing in my face I'll ask if they have any good ditches to dig. I still take pride in what may one day become my alma mater and the time I've spent here has shaped me into the mannish boy I am today.

Mike Danton is someone looking for a second chance and Saint Mary's is giving it to him. He 'll attend classes and play hockey for the Saint Mary's Huskies. I could drone on and on about morality and forgiveness but that's for people who are smarter and more experienced than me. I'm proud that my school would give a chance like this and I hope that Mike Danton finds what he's looking for here. Our judicial system prides itself that it can rehabilitate and this is the ultimate test.

The one thing I am trying to wrap my head around is the surreality of the situation. I could make some tasteless examples of other maligned athletes trying to redeem themselves but that's a low blow. What I'm feeling is the shellshock of seeing the news fly off the page and become a part of my life. It's a selfish way to feel, but it is what it is.

Students here could be in a class with Danton or see him in the library and feel the same way. They could also find a way to be alarmed, angry, or accepting. That's their prerogative. The one thing that will stay with everyone is the weird feeling of being part of the story.

As a guy who tries to blog and write without access of athletes, I will never have to feel the wrath of any people I chastise. It's a cowardly way of doing business but it's the way things are. Now media outlets are writing about my school and will follow Danton around. They'll be gauging student reaction to his arrival and maybe someone I know will be asked to comment on the situation. We're all being held accountable by the public who are pursuing the story and it's odd. That's about as far as I've gotten dealing with this story and it's how I'll remain until something changes my mind.

For Mike Danton, enjoy Saint Mary's and Halifax, it's a good place to be and has a lot of great things to teach a person.

For me, it's about remaining impartial and objective to a situation I have no control over but now have to endure. This has taken a life of its own for me and I'll do everything short of judge. It's a surreal situation and if you take away anything from this let it be that. The place I've come to love is now part of the story and I hope it ends happily for all those involved.

All that being said, if the Huskies don't win the CIS Men's Hockey Championship I'm going to be rattled.

SMU KNOW.

Mark McGwire Used Steroids.

2010-01-11T17:19:00.000-08:00

It's true.

We the fans can take it three ways:

1) Become incensed and yelp things relating to the sanctity of the game. If you fall into this camp you're obligated to throw around words like, "cheated", "fraud" and "liar". To be fair, Big Mac admitted to being all three, so you're justified in some way.

2) Act non-plussed, because you knew it was so. The evidence was there and McGwire was living in denial and insulting your intelligence. To steal Jose Canseco's bit, you're vindicated. A better word for you would be jaded, and I'll expand on that later.

3) Empathizing with McGwire and lauding him for finally coming clean. All isn't forgiven, but you're magnanimous in the revelations. Big Mac is a human being and we tend to make mistakes. That he can finally admit to this is a cathartic step for the man and shows that he is both figuratively and literally a bigger and better man.

There's probably some overlapping areas you may inhabit in the above three positions. You could angry and jaded, or forgiving and angry, or you don't care but are still angry. Or maybe you're not angry at all and are just enjoying the NFL Playoffs. That's fine.

The biggest trend to emerge is that people have just stopped caring about steroid scandals, or simply accept them. Journalists are either scathing, over it, or are feeling sorry for themselves and guilty athletes (in the same manner of the fans they cater to).

A select few have commented on the lack of a response from fans. The fans are refusing to let revelations get in the way of their lives. The days of hanging off the emotions of our favorite athletes are fading in lieu of economic strife and lives left to be lived. Some writers have recognized this and pine for emotion that is simply not there.

It's a commentary on our society. Newspapers are dying because people aren't clamoring for objectivity; they want an angle. Sports aren't directly related to everyone's happiness, but we need them to entertain us.

I'm having trouble coming to a point because a definitive statement is impossible to reach. I love to read blogs like Deadspin, with writers who have perfected snarkiness and love to rake anyone who sticks their neck out over the coals. That's the popular alternative to traditional media outlets who are stuck trying to jab their readers into a response that will warrant subscriptions and ad dollars.

That's why Mark McGwire may find himself unsatisfied with his confession. He's projecting onto fans that have been-there-done-that and will accept anything with a shrug and a grimace. Big Mac wants to be healed but the hospital just doesn't have room for him anymore. Gilbert Arenas has guns, Jeter's getting married, Rex Ryan won't shut up, and steroids are yesterday's news.

There was a day that McGwire has a chance to repent. It was in court and he refused to be prodded into the truth. That was the day our ability to forgive him died and with it our capacity to be shocked.

People were trying to give a name to the 2000's. I'd call it the decade where people were finally full. We still love sports and crave news, but it's just to snack on. Fans nibble away but don't have time for a meal like McGwire. The bombardment of gossip news is enough to keep the emotions down and for better or worse it will continue to placate us.

The biggest loser of this whole saga will be Barry Bonds. He's currently the albatross that hangs over the steroid saga. At the end of the day he may find himself without a chair to sit on. If he ever decides to confess to anything it will be far too late. The forgiveness and caring has been stretched too thin. If McGwire is getting anything out of this it will probably be much less than he anticipated. He's news for a day, but who knows what will happen tomorrow? Bonds has nothing left to tap into and is an island compared to the peninsula Big Mac has now become.

Maybe that's for the best. I'd rather see Bonds deny to the death than reach out to me for forgiveness. He may have cheated and he may be a jerk, but at least he is strong. A magician knows never to reveal his secrets, and the audience has seen behind too many curtains to be shocked. Bonds remains the last practitioner of a dead art.

Mark McGwire claims to be a victim of the steroid era. Now he's the victim of our era, the one where we won't forgive or forget, but we will leave things unresolved and unsatisfied. There's no shoulder left to cry on.

I'll close because I've become way too tangential to be effective.

Mark McGwire used steroids.

Nickers Playoff Picks

2010-01-09T09:38:00.000-08:00

Annnnnnddddd we're back!

Hello Ladies and Gents, its been awhile, I was away in the Dominican blowing away my fantasy football winnings. Yes I beat down on my fantasy football league harder then Pee Wee Herman beats on himself in dark movie theater. Anyways if anyone could tell me where my partner in crime, Geoff is that would be every helpful. Last thing I heard he was dressed up as a giant dolphin drinking paint under a bridge screaming to the heavens, asking God, why he cheers for such a kick in the balls, frustrating team. So if you anyone sees him please contact me.

Alright lets get to the picks...

I like...

Packers over Cards

Cowboys over Eagles

Jets over Bengals

Ravens over Pats

Don't worry Chirp Show fans we are back! Good luck this weekend in the gambling world

Chirp hard or die trying

Nicker VS the Bookie: Week 15

2009-12-19T11:33:00.000-08:00

Overall: 43-27

This week: 1-0

Rest of the games this week:

Cowboys +8 over Saints

Ravens -10.5 over Bears

Bills +7 over Patriots

Cardinals -12 over Lions

Chiefs -3 over Browns

Falcons +6 over Jets

49ers +8 over Eagles

Texans -12.5 over Rams

Dolphins +4 over Titans

Broncos -14 over Raiders

Bengals +6.5 over Chargers

Packers +2 over Steelers

Seahawks -6.5 over Bucs

Vikings -9 over Panthers

Giants -3 over Redskins

Chirp Hard or Die trying

The SCHWINGGGG of The Week

2009-12-17T11:08:00.001-08:00

Andy Roddick, you sly dog you. This is Roddick's wife, Brooklyn Decker...SCHWINGGGG

The Tuesday Two Four

2009-12-15T10:18:00.000-08:00

And we're back!

1) Tiger Woods: The Plot Thickens- Shit on a shingle man, how can one person get into this much trouble? He'd need to have millions and millions of...right. Not only is Le Tigre cheating like Barry Bonds in a game of Scrabble (HGH isn't a word, take it off the board), but now he's possibly linked to a doctor handing out free samples of PED's. But on the other hand, it's almost Christmas!

2) The Breakup of A-Rudson- That's right, everyone's favorite former head case has broken up with the one trick pony that is Kate Hudson. At least we won't have to look at her every five seconds during Yankee games anymore. We can finally get back to looking at stuff like this:

GAH! I think I just went blind.

In other news, Alex Rodriguez is already tabbed for a .200 batting average with zero home runs and 2 RBI's next postseason.

3) The Unbeatens Roll- While I was listening to the Sid and Tim Uncut Podcast, the titular characters were debating a single name to refer to New Orleans and Indianapolis and settled on something terrible. I want to suggest Indianaporleans, it just rolls off the tongue. The big debate now is whether Indianaporleans goes for 16-0 or if they reign it in and preserve themselves for a Super Bowl run. There's no formula for success in that department, unless you ask...

4) Michael Irvin, Man About Town- The guy who once stabbed a guy with hair clippers has chimed in with his opinion. Apparently, he'd give up his three Super Bowl rings, and his Hall of Fame bust, for an unbeaten season. I concur (word-a-day calendar), because Super Bowls are fine and dandy, but being the greatest Super Bowl team of all time is something that becomes a possibility when you go undefeated. See how I didn't make a crack or hooker joke there, people? It's called class, try it sometime.

5) The Night They Tore Ol' Doc-xie Down- Roy Halladay is on the move in a trade that's due to be announced tomorrow. The Blue Jays will receive three prospects: Pitcher Kyle Drabek, catcher Michael d'Arnaud, and outfielder Michael Taylor. I already uncorked my tirade, so let's just say that Doc will be missed.

6) Randy Moss is lazy? Get outta town- The hub-bub around the New England Patriots is the lack of effort displayed by Mr. Moss in a lackluster victory over the Carolina Panthers. I feel like everyone but Pats fans were waiting for this moment. THEY'RE WEAK NOW PEOPLE, IT'S TIME TO STRIKE!

7)Peace out, Bart Andrus- The much maligned (well, former I guess) head coach of the Toronto Argonauts was sent packing. Who would have thought that a man with no head coaching experience would fail? I mean, the guy ran Arland Bruce out of town. It's clear that he wasn't on board with today's kids with their Pac-Man video games, hoola-hoops, and Elvis Presley records.

8) College Football is like a cheese grater to the genitals- We now have to wait a month for anything of significance to happen. Also, we still don't have a playoff which means that Barack Obama is officially the worst President of all-time. I can't remember a worse president, but I haven't graduated college. You said we can, Barack. You said we can...

9) But wait! The Heisman!- Alabama running back, Mark Ingram won the Heisman Trophy. Ingram is the first Tide player to ever win the award, but that still doesn't mean Nick Saban is any less of a dick. For those of you who dispute the decision, rationalize it like so: The best player on the best team in the country just won the award. That's usually enough to do it, and if you disagree it's because you're a racist.

10) A Brief Christmas Interlude- Did you know it's almost here? Christmastime is probably the best part of any year. Mostly because I don't need to work, but also because I don't need to work and can drink any day of the week. I'm so glad that Santa knocked up the Easter Bunny that one time.

11) More Tiger Trouble- If things weren't bad enough, Woods' sponsors are officially abandoning his sinking ship. Seriously? You don't want your product associated with a guy who is giving you free publicity? It's not like people who shave with Gillette razors don't cheat on their wives, as a matter of fact I'm almost positive they do. Otherwise, why would they need to shave so much?

12) Why was I born so unathletic?- A report came out last week talking about the unethical recruiting practices used by NCAA football teams. Sending out beautiful women with loose morals is all the rage for schools, leaving the rest of us mortals to wonder why we were cursed with these useless bodies. All of this might explain why Notre Dame has sucked, but even Jesus had Mary Magdalene. I guess Charlie Weiss pushing his moobs together just doesn't cut it anymore. Speaking of which...

13) Charlie Weiss bites the bullet and tons of assorted pastries- The Man Who Ate Rodney Dangerfield was fired as head coach of Notre Dame's football squadron. I guess this happened a while ago, but Rex Ryan hasn't been in the news so I needed to make a fat joke.

14) Fantasy Football Playoffs- If you didn't make them, you suck. We Football Deities are now gearing up for the playoffs and I'm refreshing Michael Turner's profile every ten seconds.

15) Something about the NBA- Don't really know what to say about basketball lately. The season has been rolling along but nothing crazy has happened. Even Ron Artest has managed to keep a lid on his insanity. God, somebody throw a punch or something. Don't make me write more about Allen Iverson, I think that well has dried up.

16) Baseball Hot Stove- Hideki Matsui to LA. John Lackey to Boston. Cliff Lee to Seattle. Curtis Granderson to New York. Roy Halladay to (sigh) Philadelphia. I know I said I was happy for baseball to end, but now I miss it. There's something about long periods of nothingness between pitches that just makes me pine for summer again. Does anyone know where I can watch the Dominican Winter League online?

17) How 'Bout Them Cowboys?- Dallas is doing what they normally do in December, and it's not winning (also, no ties). The Cowboys dropped a tough one to San Diego on Sunday, which also cost me several dollars when scored a meaningless touchdown with two seconds remaining. YOU WILL BURN FOR THIS WADE PHILLIPS.

18) Mike Holmgren Taking His Mustache to Cleveland?- Mad Mike is apparently visiting the Browns' facility giving momentum to rumors that he's trying to get a Bill Parcells-like job with Cleveland. Will that be enough to purge the stank off of the Browns? If the Man-goloid couldn't do it, what chance does Holmgren have? Oh wait, a much better one. Carry on.

19) I hate all of you so much- Every week, "Where's the Two Four? Where's the Two Four?" Well, here it is, and only at the cost of my soul. Ask me for it again and I will write one that is dedicated to making fun of you and all of your relatives. THE TWO FOUR IS A PRIVILEGE, NOT A RIGHT. CRAM IT WITH WALNUTS, UGLY.

20) Rick Carlisle is feeling randy- The head coach of the Dallas Mavericks is actually making an attempt to disprove #15 on this list. Carlisle offered an analogy that compared winning to sex and then failed to elaborate. Is it because they both leaving you feeling sticky after? Too far?

21) Why is everyone shitting on #15?- I really should have looked further into the NBA before I wrote it. Houston Rockets forward, Trevor Ariza, took a swing at Raps guard DeMar DeRozan on Sunday and was suspended a game. Uh, I thought LA was getting the crazy one and Houston was getting the well-behaved one? When is Ariza going to start chugging Hennessey before games? I need to know these things before I start running my mouth and keyboard.

22) Booze of the Week- Jameson's Whiskey. A couple belts and you're singing Danny Boy and clamoring for potatoes. Stereotypes: Much more easy than real jokes.

23) Song of the Week- Party in the USA- Miley Cyrus. I have no idea why, but this song has me in the palm of its hand. Maybe it's because I never got the memo that this isn't cool, but I'm still listening. And yes, my masculinity just dropped 35%. I'm now at -35%.

24) Watch The League- The League is a show on the FX Network about five guys playing fantasy football and getting into hijinks. The football takes a backseat to offside remarks and hilarity so it's a good watch. Click here and here for excellent reasons to watch, if I hadn't already persuaded you with my Roger Ebert-like review.

And I'm gone.

Fuck (An R-Rated Take on Roy Halladay and the Toronto Blue Jays)

2009-12-14T20:50:00.000-08:00

Roy Halladay is about to be traded.

Inevitability is the worst sensation a person can experience. It just hurries the loss of will and leaves a person begging for it all to end. Just get it over with.

That's the mood that all Toronto Blue Jays fans are experiencing. The best medicine for the franchise is trading Halladay and netting prospects. Free agency is too weak to build a team this year, and the Jays need to fill positions that the Doctor just cannot provide. We should all just comport ourselves with some pride and hope that all of this was for the greater good. Drink the Kool-Aid, close your eyes, and pray that when you open them you're in paradise. Fan-fucking-tastic.

The problem I'm having personally is letting go. I've just spent years of my life watching the consistently-best pitcher in baseball waste year after year on a team too incompetent to care that they were squandering such an asset. We've all been witness to an excercise in futility, and those in charge are telling us that it's time to let go and pretend that the last 15 years was just a blip. It's been a painful experience that has just had the wound salted with Halladay trade talk. The Jays are admitting defeat, because if you can't win with Doc you're in some serious trouble. What is gleaned is that the last decade has been a certifiable disaster. If you didn't already know, now you do.

Being a fan means you have no recourse. Example: The Jays suck, what can you do about it? Stop watching? Fuck that. Stop complaining? Fuck you. Cheer for someone else? I'd rather stop complaining. That just leaves sucking it up and taking a bite of the shit sandwich I've just been handed. And it tastes like shit.

That's all a person can do: Make their displeasure known. I'm making it known that I've just watched Roy Halladay come and go through Toronto; and it was both a thrill and disappointment. Let the record show that I'm good and pissed that this is how it had to end. Halladay should have been a lifer (something that never happens, but I hoped), and the Jays should have given him a winning team to play with the second he was handed a Cy Young. Did they now know what they had?

It's over now and the team should be better for it. That's something we don't know but have to tell ourselves. Otherwise the reminders of what should have been and what wasn't might just drive a person insane. If this doesn't pan out the Blue Jays are heading for dark days. To be locked in a cycle of losing is terrible, just ask any fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates or Kansas City Royals. But it will all work out, because that's the only way to justify it. The Jays could lose just fine with Doc, so if they don't turn it around without him there might actually be murders.

I'm rambling so I'll finish this off with some caps-locked, run-on, vulgarity.

Ahem.

FUCK YOU ROGERS. YOU BROUGHT US TO THIS POINT, BY BEING HOODWINKIED INTO HIRING A STUPID FUCKING GENERAL MANAGER WHO COULDN'T CLIP A COUPON WITHOUT SIGNING IT FOR 6 YEARS AND 80 MILLION DOLLARS. EAT SHIT AND DIE AND THEN SPEND ETERNITY EATING SHIT. YOU BOUGHT A MOTHERFUCKING BASEBALL TEAM, NOT SEA MONKEYS, NOT AN ANT FARM, AND NOT A PUPPY THAT YOU CAN SEND TO THE FARM WHEN IT SHITS ON YOUR RUG. A TEAM THAT HAD A HALL OF FAME PITCHER THAT YOU LET KILL HIMSELF NIGHT AFTER NIGHT IN VAIN; WITH THE FULL KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU WOULD NEVER CONCOCT A PLAN OR TEAM WORTHY OF HIM. I HOPE THE LAST THING ROY HALLADAY DOES IS TAKE HIS CELL PHONE AND BOUNCE IT OFF YOUR BRAIN AT 90 MILES PER HOUR. THAT WILL BE HIS NOTICE THAT HE HAS CANCELLED HIS 200 ANYTIME MINUTES PLAN. FUCK YOU.

That is all.

The Iverson Vendetta Claims Another Victim

2009-12-11T13:02:00.000-08:00

This shall be my final riff on Allen Iverson, but rest assured, it's going to be a doozy.

If you listen to any of the Chirp Show's splendiferous podcasts, then hopefully you listened to our NBA Preview podcast. Me and Nickerson are certified hoop-heads, and we took some time to pick our Conference, NBA Champion, MVP, and Rookie of the Year picks. Granted, we're not exactly Dr. Jack Ramsay, but we had a lively discussion that earned Jeff some credit.

He said that the Phoenix Suns would rise once more, they have. A pick like that was so bold that I will now write the rest of this sentence emboldened. I concede that Nickerson made a beautiful selection worthy of the Fan Hall of Fame. Cheers.

Nickerson also selected one Brandon Jennings to be his ROY (I chose Stephen Curry). Jennings was coming off a lackluster stint in Italy and people were questioning his maturity. This was quashed early in the season as Signore Jennings erupted for a 55 point performance and overall stellar play. I tip my hat to you, Jeff.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that there is a certain element on this blog that have hounded me for backing Allen Iverson. I think he's a great player, you have not. Fair enough, I take this rebukes like a good sport. But I also cannot pass up a chance to mess with people, so here it comes.

Among the Iverson haters has been Jeff. He's decried A.I. as a man who has no business in the NBA anymore, and who's previous credentials are somewhat suspect. On this we agree to disagree. In that same vein allow me to present my argument.

Here are Brandon Jenning's stats in his rookie campaign (21 games):

35.4 Minutes per game

21.2 Points per game

5.7 Assists per game

3.8 Rebounds per game

.419 Field Goal Percentage

.439 Three Point Percentage

.798 Free Throw Percentage

3.0 Turnovers Per Game

1.1 Steals per game

Now those are some stats. For a 20 year old point guard these are phenomenal; and with them Jennings has been at the head of his rookie class. An excellent selection by Nickerson. The same Jeff Nickerson who despises Allen Iverson. Let's take a look at Allen Iverson's stats in his first year then shall we?

40.1 MPG

23.5 PPG

7.5 APG

4.1 RPG

.416 FG%

.341 3FG%

.705 FT%

4.4 TOV

2.1 STL

Comparing Rookie Iverson to Jennings looks pretty similar doesn't it? Iverson eclipses Jennings in minutes, points, assists, rebounds, and steals. Jennings tops A.I. in shooting percentages and protecting the ball. Given, those are important things for a point guard, but Iverson was also playing five more minutes a game. Yet, Iverson had an arguably more skilled supporting cast with the likes of Jerry Stackhouse and Derrick Coleman, than Jennings has with Bogut and Ilyasova.

But one thing you must concede is both the similarity in the play and stats of both Iverson and Brandon Jennings. And considering that Nickerson hates Iverson and loves Jennings, does that not make him a hypocrite?

The ball is in your court Nicker, now give Iverson some love. Ten years from now when people are ragging on Jennings for being a ball hog because his teammates suck I'll have his back. SHOW HIM SOME DAP, SON.

A Bittersweet Sunday

2009-12-10T11:28:00.001-08:00

I know it's a little late in the week to be talking about last Sunday, but I've had four exams this week so I've been a bit busy, my apologies.

Sunday for me was like watching "The Hangover". But at the end of the movie when the boys are making their way back to the wedding, instead of actually making it, they get hit by a transport truck and all die. Imagine if that's how the movie ends, makes leaving the theatre a little less fun doesn't it? Well my Sunday was going great, I had just got back from a night in Niagara Falls with the lady, which I toughed out like a champ because I got drunker then Joe Namath at a Jets game the day before we went. The drive up to the Falls Saturday morning my best friend was Gatorade, I ended up getting over my Shaq size hangover around 9 o'clock that night and ended up having a great time. I'd live in Niagara Falls if I could, but I also want to live past 30, so you can't always do what you want (For you Americans out there, Niagara Falls is a mini, mini-Vegas; just a few less hookers and about five hundred less casinos).

I arrived home around halftime of the one o'clock games, and to say that week 13 was a big deal was an understatement in the Fantasy football world. This was the last week before playoffs.

I was matched up with Head for the week, who was in a three way tie for the last playoff spot in our league. Win and Head was in, lose and he's in the loser bowl against the rest of the dead weight. I had a few more important things on the line this week. My team, "The Fat Pat Vikings", led by Payton Manning had a chance for best record in the entire league and 1st place in my division. Both would win me some nice coin heading into the playoffs. My team was rolling nicely and by midway through the 4 o'clock games, I had pretty much wrapped up the best record and 1st in my division. I had to throw a couple chirps at Head and Duignan, our league commissioner, who would have to pay me my winnings. I felt like Vinny Chase when he lands the Scorsese movie (yes fantasy football is that important, play it with 10-16 buddies and tell me it doesn't become one of the most important things in your life; I'll slap you harder than Alexander Semin because I know you are lying.)

The day really couldn't get better on the football front, except if the Vikings beat the Cardinals in the Sunday nighter. Well, that's when disaster struck. The game started off great, a great drive topped off with Favre throwing a TD strike to Mr.Shiancoe. Then it all went downhill. As you might know, I'm a die hard Vikings fan, but Sunday night I was not impressed. Plain and simple our gameplan was shit. You have the best running back on this planet named Adrian Peterson, let's give old man Favre a break and let someone else control the game (I'm talking to you, Brad Childress, you pedophile look-a-like.) Favre looked tired (what did we expect it's a late game, the old man usually has his pre-bedtime pudding by nine o'clock and it's lights out by nine thirty). Also, our pass defence finally got fully exposed. When you are missing one of the best corner backs in football (Antoine Winfield) it's just a matter of time before a team has a big game against you. The Cards took advantage and won the game 30-17, with Kurt Warner throwing for 285 yards and 3 touchdowns. If the game wasn't upsetting enough, our star middle linebacker E.J Henderson, is now lost for the year with a broken leg after getting crushed by his own goddamn teammate! Sorry just a bit upset. This is a huge loss, Henderson is our quaterback on defence, I'm worried...save me Jebus!

Anyway, you can see why my Sunday was bittersweet, it felt like i was having a day in an R.Kelly video and he was singing to me like I was one of the girls in the closet.

Today's gonna be a good dayyyy

Everything is goin' okkkk

You're gunna winn fantasayyyyyyy

You're not gunna be in the loser bowlllll

With bitches like Snitches get Stitchesss

Today's gunna be good dayyyy

Let's pop the hennesssyyyy

I'm the fucking King of Fantasaaaayyyyy

Part 2 of the Video:

......R.Kelly pisses on my face

Well, that's how my day felt, like I was a star in an R&B video during the day, and then at night I felt like I was that young broad in another type of R.Kelly video....

Bittersweet Sunday...Bittersweet Sunday

Chirp Hard or Die Trying

Sports Blogs Can Be Pretentious Too

2009-12-08T20:32:00.000-08:00

Hunter S. Thompson had a saying, “Buy the ticket, take the ride”. By no means am I Dr. Thompson, but I’ve been dwelling on this phrase for a while now. It’s been nagging at my brain, which is made even more troubling considering I’m in the midst of exams and should be devoting more time to actual study than pondering.

The saying hearkens to Thompson putting himself in strange situations and riding them out in the name of journalism. He spent hours in Latino riots and Hells Angels clubhouses just for the story. Dr. Thompson even traveled with Richard Nixon (a man he reviled) just so he could better understand his own feelings. Tickets were bought, rides were taken, and in the end people are still talking about the founder of Gonzo.

So why should I (or you, for that matter) give a collective shit about buying tickets for rides that we’re probably too cowardly to undertake? I have my own reasons, none of which are terribly interesting, but every sports aficionado takes a ride now and then. We pick our teams and stick by them, taking their rises and falls. It’s almost like we’re riding a rollercoaster of manufactured emotion for athletes we’ll never meet, and for sports we’ll never play professionally. Attaching worth to things like this seems a pointless endeavour, but we undertake them willingly and with gusto.

Cheering for teams is defining yourself for the sole purpose of being able to attach some existential value to your life. You lived, you died, but you did so as a Clippers fan. That’s something. It sucks, and people probably treated you like a leper, but it’s something that made you self-relevant.

Which brings me to a point of sorts. The NFL playoffs are slowly creeping up on us like a perverted spider, and that spider has some chloroform and bad intentions. Rape-y intentions. Which also means that quasi-fans will be trying to associate themselves with someone who will make the playoffs, and quick.

Every year it happens, two teams make the Super Bowl and you look around at your friends and see them cheering for teams you never knew they even liked. This can lead to an assortment of assumptions. Either they’re gambling on them, or they actually like that team. It’s the latter situation that rakes at the hearts of die-hards.

I’ve seen Giants fans come out of the woodwork clamouring for a Super Bowl victory, and then disappear the second Plaxico Burress’ sweatpants holster fail. I’ve seen Arizona Cardinals fans slowly rise from couches as Kurt Warner and his battle with hair colour inch towards a Super Bowl. And of course, Steelers fans have always been around. Either they’re the blue-collar fans that could pinpoint the day that Terry Bradshaw lost his first hair, and the ones that still don’t know that their "team" is 6-6.

These rabbits being pulled out of football helmets are an unexpected occurrence at any Super Bowl party, and it secretly chafes at any fan who actually had to sit through a losing season. They take one look at a schmuck like that and debate whether to high five them or drown them in salsa.

Let me clarify something quickly. If you love a football team, disregard this. If you like to keep your association quiet because you don't want to insist upon your friends, disregard this. This wasn't aimed at you and I hope you didn't take offense. The reason this schpiel exists is because I needed to vent something, somewhere. That still doesn't make it any less relevant, though. Revisionism over.

Consider this a notice to anyone who has any intention of watching playoff football. Proclaim your fanship with a team now. Don’t wait, make sure people know who it is you’re supporting. The playoffs are a month away, and it’s time to pick a side. Fair-weather fans (another nostalgic term) now even have an opportunity to look at the standings and side with an unbeaten team, assuring them a higher probability of Super Bowl glory. Buy a ticket now. Get ready to take the ride. People who have cheered for teams for years will appreciate it. No one wants to see you burst out of a closet in Peyton Manning jersey come Super Bowl Sunday. Not unless you’ve wore it for years and have been spotted in public with it once.

Make yourself known amongst your football watching friends, because they will secretly resent you if their team makes the biggest game and you’re cheering louder than them with a fraction of their love. Maybe this just chafes at me, but I still wear the same Miami Dolphins’ toque that got me pelted with peanuts and beer cans in Buffalo as the snow blustered through the stadium. You’d be surprised at the accuracy drunks can have when their team is losing; and if you haven’t experienced it your fanship is in question.

This is a bit of a detour from the usual chips on this site, but it’s still a chirp. Get your head right now, friends. If my team makes the Super Bowl and you’re holding up your hand wearing a shirt you bought the night before, I might just hit you. It’s nothing personal, because I gave you fair warning and you ignored it. Don’t toy with fanhood, it’s not a Slinky you can throw down the stairs for an afternoon and then throw it on a shelf for eternity.

Buy your ticket, take the ride.

Return of the A.I.

2009-12-03T20:12:00.000-08:00

Put away the Haterade, because here comes Allen Iverson. The man they call the Answer has returned (click on the link to see him cry!), and I'm more excited than is acceptable or necessary. And why not? Iverson is going back to Philly to stir things up and make the NBA infinitely more interesting. Will it make the Sixers better? Probably not, but last time I checked the fearsome Sam Dalembert wasn't leading Philly down the championship path. Why not toss A.I. in there and see what happens? You might even sell a few more tickets.

...which is exactly what Memphis thought when they brought in Iverson. And we all know how that ended (not good). So why is Philly a better phit? Because in West Philadelphia, born and raised, is where Allen Iverson is about to spend most of his days...WINNING BASKETBALL GAMES. Sometimes I'm so clever that I amaze even me, and I'm really clever. Here's a couple reasons why A.I. will heal the crack in the Liberty Bell:

Reason #1: Nostalgia

This reunion of Iverson and his city can heal any wound. Good thing he's back in the one town that loved him, warts and all. If anything, Iverson will fear letting down the one city that tolerated him the longest.

Reason #2: Desperation

Iverson knows that his legacy depends on his most recent stop in Philly. Some serious revisionist history is already occurring, and if he doesn't acquit himself properly, he'll be torn to shreds by his last bastion of hope.

Reason #3: Low Expectations

No one is expecting the Sixers to compete for a championship, but the Eastern Conference is so lacking in competitiveness that a .500 season from any team could mean playoffs. All A.I. has to do is give Philly a little leadership and a shot in the arm on offense and they've got a fighting shot at the postseason. After that, who knows? Maybe they can shake things up a bit, or maybe the whole team will just explode. Either way, I'm interested.

And don't forget about our podcast, people. You can listen to it over on our podcast player, or you can go to The Chirp Show Podcast and while there, you can subscribe to it on iTunes and your RSS Feeds. For every subscriber I will do a little jig, followed by a fist pump. You're not getting a deal that good anywhere.

The SCHWINGGGG of The Week

2009-12-03T17:13:00.000-08:00

That fine piece of meat is Bam Bam Brono or "Smokey" as he's known on the street

He loves cheeseburgers, Gator-beers (beer and Gatorade, try it out some time, it's tasty) and going shirtless at all times. Smokey, Ladies and Gentleman.

Okay, Okay, here's the real SCHWINGGGG of the week: Elin Nordegren Woods. But how much longer will she have the Woods at the end of her name? I say two more years, because then her money kicks in. Elin will receive 60 million dollars if she stays with the male gigolo Tiger for two more years, that's the rules of their prenup. Elin, come on down to Canada when you get paid...SCHWINGGGG.

The Gary Bettman Award (Knob of the Week)

2009-12-02T10:55:00.000-08:00

(Tiger's reaction after US Weekly came out with the recorded audio)

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger,...I just want start off by saying Tiger Woods is probably my biggest sports hero and I never once thought I'd be calling him a "Knob of The Week". But Tiger, there is nothing else I can say, you're everywhere in the news and for all the wrong reasons. Out today came a recorded message of you telling some cocktail waitress you have been caught by your smoking hot wife.

When news first hit that Woods was in serious condition after a car accident, I was legitimately worried. I didn't know how to think, I didn't know if it was real or worse; what if my favorite athlete was actually about to die? About a half hour later, we find out Tiger's "OK", he just has a few cuts around his mouth. Then news breaks that his wife, Elin, was involved. Well, that's when things got real interesting. News breaks again that Tiger hit a tree and a fire hydrant head on, and Elin smashed both of Tiger's rear door windows of his Cadiliac out; to get Tiger out of the vehicle.... I'm no rocket scientist but if I were to hit something head on at 30 miles per hour, my driver side door would still be able to open. So, why did Elin have to smash out both of the rear door windows? Well let me do my Triple H voice here: WELLLLL I GOT THREE WORDS FORRRR YA...Tiger got caught! Was she there to "save" Tiger, I don't think so. I believe the calm and proper Swedish broad lost it and the Cadillac was just in her way to Tiger. Lucky for old Tig, he was already knocked out.

Listen, who knows what goes on in the Woods household, a lot of people have been caught for cheating, and for many different reasons. Look at Kobe Bryant, he cheated on his gorgeous wife with a white woman who looked like a regular on The Jerry Springer show. Some semi-famous dude actually cheated on Halle Berry (that's like winning the lottery and telling the person who brings you the cheque to suck it and then slamming the door in their face). No one I know would do this, but that douche bag did. If you didn't understand that, Halle Berry is like the lottery...you don't pass that up. If you don't believe me watch Swordfish. Even the forme President of the United States cheated on his wife with a fat intern who blew her way into the tabloids. People make mistakes,Tiger you made a big one and I hope you remembered these words when you got married...ready...ok here it is...PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT, PRRRREEENUPTIAL AAAAAGREEEMENT!

Tiger, I know you and Micheal Jordan are great friends, but I don't think you guys want to bet on who has the biggest divorce settlement.(Jordan's settlement was 168 million dollars) But the way MJ likes the gambling, who knows (Jordan would bet on how far he could piss, if someone gave him odds and set the minimum bet at 10 grand).

Tiger, I hope everything works out for you. I'll still be a fan but realize you screwed a lot of fans over also. Because now when guys around the world sit down to watch you win another major, we are going to have to listen to wives or girlfriends say things liek,"Ya he's a good golfer but he's still a jerk", " I can't believe your cheering for this cheater" and " He's such a liar, his real name isn't even Tiger." But right now that's the last of your worries.

Tiger Woods you are The Knob of The Week.

Nicker VS the Bookie: Week 12

2009-11-28T12:17:00.001-08:00

Last week: 8-7

Overall: 23-15

Thursday picks: 3-0

Week 12 picks:

Dolphins -3 over Bills

Bucs +12 over Falcons

Browns +14 over Bengals

Redskins +9 over Eagles

Panthers +3 over Jets

Texans +3.5 over Colts

Seahawks -3 over Rams

Jaguars +3.5 over 49ers

Chiefs +14 over Chargers

Vikings -10.5 over Bears

Titans -3 over Cardinals

Ravens +3 over Steelers

Patriots +3 over Saints

Chirp Hard or Die trying

Nicker's Team Canada

2009-11-27T10:48:00.000-08:00

Our buddy Head gave us his version of Team Canada for the 2010 Olympics. Not going to get much argument from me, I loved his squad. Canada is so deep that they could dress three squads and still compete for a medal. Still, I have a couple different players I'd put in the lineup that Head didn't.

Head's Team

Forwards
Heatley Thornton Marleau

Nash Crosby Iginla

Perry Getzlaf Carter

Toews Richards Doan

Defence
Niedermayer Pronger

Boyle Phaneuf

Keith Weber

Goalies

Brodeur, Luongo, Fleury

Nicker's Team

Forwards

Nash Crosby Iginla

Head's first line is full of Sharks, I'll take the three best players Canada has. You can put these three out in any situation and I can't wait to see what they can do.

Heatley Thornton St.Louis

Head went with Marleau to pair with Heatley and Thornton, but not me. I like St.Louis for this line. The little guy can score and set up players with the best of them. He's the perfect compliment for both the sniper Heatley and the playmaker Thornton. I am not a big fan of Patrick Marleau, he seems to have his worst games when the games are most important (and every game at the Olympics are going to be a pressure situation), I can't trust him. Also, Marleau doesn't even play with Thornton and Heatley on their own team (the Sharks), so I don't it's a necessity that he's there.

Perry Getzlaf Stamkos/Carter

I've been thinking about who's going to make Team Canada for awhile now, and this is my toughest choice. Perry has made himself a lock with his gritty two-way play and scoring ability. Getzalf is a horse, he's having a bit of an off-year, but he still won't lose his spot on the team. The young Steve Stamkos is making it really hard for Team Canada to keep him off the squad with his play as well. Jeff Carter is a superstar in the making, he had a huge year last season and is playing solid this year. Also, in the past Carter was a beast for Team Canada at the World Juniors. I belive only one of these two will make the team and it will be whomevers the hottest at selction time. It's something I'm going to be keeping a close eye on. Right now, I give the edge to Stamkos, but I have feeling that might change if Carter heats up.

Toews Richards Doan

Mine and Head's energy lines are the exact same. I think this line can and will make or break Canada. If these three are what everybody is saying they are, they will push us over the edge and continue to have big shifts, and then I think the gold medal is ours. I want Pierre Maguire to be giving out his Monster performers to one of these three every game, that way we know we won the physical battle. If you dont think Mike Richards is a star, you will after these Olympics.

Defence

Niedermayer Pronger

The best, plain and simple

Boyle Keith

I wasn't big on Boyle making the team before this year, but watching him work a powerplay is like watching John Madden eat a turkey dinner, he owns it. Keith's one of the best d-men in the NHL and you're all going to bear witness to that fact.

Weber Bouwmeester

The Team Canada brass love Jay Bouwmeester as much Homer Simpson loves doughnuts. Phanuef hasn't done enough, I don't think anyway, to knock out Jay-Bouw from that last spot.

Tenders

Broduer, Luongo, Fleury

This is how the three goalies will end up on the depth chart, but if I was picking the team Fluery gets the backup role over Sweet Lou. Do me a favour, name a huge game Roberto Luongo has won? (waiting) OK, thanks, now name a big game Fluery has won? Didn't take as long did it? If you trust a goalie who has not had a good track record in the playoffs (like Luongo), then good for you; but I'll take the for sure thing if Marty goes down, and that's the little Frenchmen Fleury.

Well, that's my team. I smell gold...if gold had a smell.

Chirp hard or die trying

The SCHWINGGGG of the Week X2

2009-11-24T19:52:00.000-08:00

Missed last week because I got into an argument with Lindsay Lohan. She said

she should be a SCHWINGGGG girl... I said shes got a better chance of living past 30 than shes does of making the SCHWINNGGGG of the Week. Lindsay then proceeded to snort a line bigger than Visanthe Shiancoe's hammer. And that my friends, is how you get behind on a SCHWINGGGG of the Week!

So, this week I'm giving you two smoking hot ladies to arouse your "Shiancoes". To the left, we have Rachel Bilson, a.k.a Summer from the OC... Schwing! And right on top of Rachel (I hope you all thought the same thing as I did when i wrote that) we have a young a Leah Remini a.k.a Carrie Heffernan from King of Queens....Schwing!

Nicker VS the Bookie: Week 11

2009-11-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

Last week: 10-5

Overall Record: 15-8

Here's my week 11 picks:

Lions -3.5 over Browns]

Jaguars -8.5 over Bills

Steelers - 10.5 over Chiefs

Colts -1 over Ravens

Giants -7 over Falcons

49ers +6.5 over Packers

Vikings -11 over Seahawks

Redskins +11 over Cowboys

Buccaneers +11 over Saints

Rams + 9 over Cardinals

Patriots - 11 over Jets

Bengals -9.5 over Raiders

Chargers -3 over Broncos

Eagles - 3 over Bears

Texans -4.5 over Titans

Lets have a big week, Good luck!

Chirp hard or die trying

Faster, Higher, Stronger, Gambling-ier

2009-11-20T13:11:00.000-08:00

Don't ever say I do nothing for you, well aside from giving you a bad case of eye bleeding. The odds for the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver are out, and like a good citizen who enables your gambling addiction I've got 'em. And by Olympics, I mean hockey, because there's nothing really else to gamble on in the Olympics. Except the THC level of the snowboarders.

Not surprisingly, the Canadians are favoured to win the gold for men's hockey. Currently, the Canucks are listed at -105. Considering Steve Yzerman is putting together what may be the most exciting team Canada's ever thrown together, this is a bargain. But then again, I know about as much as hockey as Benedict Arnold did about loyalty.

The closest odds to Canada are the Russians at +175 and the Swedes at +425. Again, I'm just the messenger, do with these odds what you will.

If you're really feeling frisky (and we're talking about the Olympics, so who isn't), you can think about taking Norway at +45000. Now that's value. Norway hasn't been such a long shot since Norway did whatever it was that one time that made them long shots. Remember that one time? Eh?

Oh, and those damn Yankees are listed at +675. Not a lot of faith is being put in the Americans, but who knows, maybe we'll all fall into a time warp and end up watching another Miracle on Ice. The Olympics could use a little drama that doesn't involve gender testing for once.

And that's all she (or he) wrote. I think I speak for the gambling community when I say GO NORWAY! Make me them ducats.

Toodles.

Listen Up, Get Down

2009-11-19T22:55:00.001-08:00

We took a week hiatus after Jeff had to go back to rehab (after ingesting what can only be called a cornucopia of drugs), but weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee'rrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeee back. I know you missed hearing my flinty voice speaking sweet nothings in your ear. And if you didn't, well, I apologize.

Anyways, we've got two podcasts this week, one's already up and is chockful of sports stuffs and the continuation of the Allen Iverson debate. The second one is our weekly NFL pod, which I'll put up once I'm done editing it.

To listen, use the ol' podcast player on The Chirp Show, or go http://thechirpshow.podbean.com/ where you can also subscribe to us on iTunes. There's worse ways to waste a half hour. Like watching Two and a Half Men.

I love you,

Geoff

2 Minutes for Chirping

2009-11-18T12:33:00.000-08:00

Well, we are a little over a month and a half into the NHL season, and we haven't mentioned the league, other than handing out our Gary Bettman award each week. Surprisingly, not one NHL player has won the award; so I thought it was about time we got some puck on The Chirp Show. Here's some of my quick hits on the NHL:

The Toronto Maple Leafs- What do the Leafs and the Titanic have in common? They both look good until they hit the ice. Hey, the Leafs are trying but with a record of 3-11-5 (11 pts) and tied for dead last in the Eastern Conference--with the just as awful Carolina Hurricanes--trying might not be enough.

Let's look at a big problem for the Leafs: FORWARDS! Please Leafs Fans, tell me one Leaf forward you can build a team around? Phil Kessel? No, sorry, that answer isn't correct. Kessel is a great third or fourth best player on a good team, but he's no superstar. And that's not a knock on Kessel because he definitely the best player they have, but when your team's first line centre is Matt Stajan... you're not making the playoffs. Telling me Stajan is a 1st line centre in the NHL-- with 194 points in 408 games-- is like telling me former Buffalo Bills running back Travis Henry is a good spokesperson for Trojan condoms ( Henry has 11 Children from 9 different women). Sorry, but I'm going to have to say your full of shit, or full of other bodily fluids like most of Henry's one night stands.

Let's look on the bright side, if you keep playing this bad you'll have chance to add that number one centre in Tyler Seguin, or that superstar in Taylor Hall during next year's draft...oh sorry, I forgot, YOU TRADED YOUR NEXT TWO NUMBER ONE PICKS FOR A THIRD OR FOURTH BEST PLAYER ON A GOOD TEAM!!!!!! Sorry, but the fact that Leafs fans don't see how stupid this was blows my mind. Enough on this terrible team

Anze Kopitar- The Slovenian Sniper is ripping up the league (32 points in 22 games) and leading the NHL scoring race. In other Kopitar-related news, we now have a new member of the Ugly Mother F'ers....Anze Kopitar! Kopitar now joins Sam Cassel and Hedo Turkoglu in the starting lineup (I'll have the whole squad for you down the road).

Pittsburgh Penguins- The Pens have had more injuries this year than Charlie Sheen has banged hookers in his whole career (135569 and still counting...you're the best, Wild Thing), but are still only two points out of first in the Eastern Conference. That's with Evgeni Malkin and Sergei Gonchar missing a combined 19 games this year, and with Sidney Crosby having a bit of an off-year with 21 points in 21 games (Yeah, that's an off year for The Kid). So, to say teams need to be worried about The Penguins when they get fully healthy is an understatement.

Right now, everyone's talking about the San Jose Sharks as the team to win it all this year. Well, the Cup is still in Pittsburgh and I don't see it going anywhere, anytime, soon. If the Pens can get through the first half of the season and the Olympics without any more major injuries, they are my clear cut favorites to win the Cup again.

The Pens are the best team in the league, with the best player in the NHL (Sorry Ovechkin fans). Plus they have a top flight goalie and a good coach. So mark it down, I'll be taking the Penguins if they can get healthy. Good luck betting on San Jose, they'll let you down more than that stripper you think actually likes you... sorry fellas, she's there for the paycheck and so are the Sharks; because as soon as the regular season ends, so do the Sharks.

Well that's 2 Minutes for Chirping. Sorry I haven't gotten to hockey earlier, there was just too many stupid things happening in other sports that I had to write about.

Chirp Hard or Die Trying

The Tuesday Two Four's Wednesday Whiz

2009-11-18T07:37:00.000-08:00

It's Wednesday, I'm in class, let's make it rain.

1) The saga of Allen Iverson- The Answer has been given his walking papers by the Memphis Grizzlies and told to start...well...walking. I have personally enjoyed A.I. throughout the years and even though some people, who I'm not going to name...JEFF NICKERSON, don't like Iverson, and they can go fornicate with Eddy Curry. Somebody sign this guy and give him a shot to stick it in the eye of the NBA. This won't be the last you hear about A.I. on this site, not by a long shot.

2) The saga of Stephen Jackson- Two sagas in one day? That's sagastic! Or is it sagasmic? Oh well. Anywho, Captain Jack was traded to Charlotte along with Acie Law IV (Acie plus Rocky III equals Adrian's Revenge) for Raja Bell and Vlad Radmanovich (Dear God). This finally confirms the fact that my Golden State for the playoffs prediction is fucked. At least I didn't pick Washington to make the playoffs, like someone who I'm not going to name...JEFF NICKERSON.

3) Bill Belichick is Bill Belichick- The Patriots' head honcho made a ridiculous decision on 4th down against the Colts, and it didn't pay off. I think I speak for everyone in the universe when I say BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Have you ever heard of people buying into their own hype? Yeah, that was the Spymaster on Sunday night. Go shove more cameramen.

4) Peyton Manning...'nuff said- The reason New England made such a stupid decision against the Colts Sunday night was because of this man. His numbers weren't MVP-esque, but they were good enough to beat a team that spies on him while he showers. The only thing that can stop the Colts is nuclear war, and even then Manning might still find Austin Collie open on the other side of the mushroom cloud.

5) Zach Greinke wins the Cy Young- Maybe he'll finally cheer up for once. Seriously though, Greinke had a monster season and deserves the honour. Good on the voters who realized that although C.C. Sabathia was around longer, he wasn't better than crazy ol' Zach. And now, can baseball go away? You monopolized my whole summer already MLB, stop trying to make me care about you when football and basketball are pleasuring me. It's like receving a BJ and getting a cell phone call from your great aunt, you're just not picking up that phone.

6) Dick Jauron = Gonzo- No, the Dick isn't the next Hunter S. Thompson, he's the next Mike Mularkey, because the Bills canned him. Now the Bills can finally make the playoffs with a terrible O-Line and incompetent QB play. Yeah, that'll happen...WHEN PIGS FLY!

(Checks to see if Rex Ryan can fly)

Nice. Speaking of the big man....

7) Rex Ryan is a crybaby- After losing to the Jags Sunday, the New York Jets head coach cried during his Monday press conference. Some say it motivated the Jets for their upcoming game against the Patriots, but we all know he was crying because McDonald's discontinued the McRib. I feel your pain on that one, Rexy.

8) Manny Pacquaio is the scariest man who can't get on roller coasters- The PacMan decimated Miguel Cotto to such an extent that Cotto's family had to leave ringside. The fight was like Sea World, the people in the first four rows got wet with Cotto's blood. They should have handed out rain ponchos like at a Gallagher show or something. Now the whole world is praying for a Pacquaio-Floyd Mayweather Jr. matchup, and that's a fake god we can all sacrifice golden calves to.

9) Braylon Edwards pleads not guilty- Edwards pleaded not guilty to charges of socking a servant of LeBron James in the face. I'm surprised we haven't found Edwards at the bottom of the Hudson River in a LeBron jersey yet. After all, he's the king and Braylon is just a blacksmith in this medieval metaphor.

10) LeBron James is changing his number from 23 to 6- In honor of Michael Jordan, LeBron is going to switch his number. I don't want to be a wet blanket, but didn't he wear 23 for five years already, so where is this coming from now? Can money actually buy respect? Don't answer that.

The obvious answer is that with Christmas rapidly approaching, James and Co. are trying to make some serious coin off the new merchandise. One thing's for sure: They will never replace my Junkyard Dog jersey. Never.

11) CIS Football???- Yep, I'm going to shake things up a bit and talk about some Canadian Interuniversity Sport Foosball. The national semifinals are upon us, in the Mitchell Bowl the Laval Rouge et Or (the bullies of the CIS) square off against the Queens Golden Gaels (the dweebs of the CIS). And what happens when bullies fight dweebs? This.

The other semifinal is between the Calgary Dinos and my Saint Mary's Huskies. The Dinos have former starting QB and Hec Creighton winner while he was at SMU, Erik Glavic. This game's got more intrigue than a soap opera set at Mr. Boddy's house. So, pretty much just Clue.

12) I finally lost a fantasy football game- This was a tough loss to take. I forgot to start someone over Andre Johnson, came online Sunday night and saw that I was winning by 5 points; but with my opponent still having Ray Rice against the Browns on Monday night left, I was screwed. Professor Football is now 7-1, and I'm dying inside. Maybe my next degree should be in paying fucking attention.

13) No hockey, no problem- I like to throw this out here just to fill space and maybe see if I can rattle a cage or two. I hear hockey's not even a real sport...

14) The Denver Broncos are fading- Like a pair of jeans on the Invisible Man. After jumping out to 6-0, the Broncos are now 6-3. Could it be that their head coach is too inexperienced for the job? Could it be that the drunk that is Kyle Orton just isn't a good enough quarterback? Is it possible that we knew all of this already and chose to ignore it after Denver started hot? Do I have any more questions for you any? No? No? Yes? No.

15) Can the Washington Redskins unfuck themselves?- This team beat the aforementioned Broncos into submission on Sunday, sans Clinton Portis. Jim Zorn even admitted that he can see their crazy play calling scheme working. The Skins are 3-6, but the Cowboys are leading the division at 6-3, hardly untouchable. Is it too crazy to think that Washington can actually bounce back from this clusterfuck of a season? I say no, but then again I once donated five bucks to a guy who said he wanted to create a Christian Ministry in the form of a rock band. I'll believe anything.

16) College Basketball is starting- Gus Johnson's standing in front of a mirror like Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights practicing his game-winning shot calls. It's only November, but my March Madness bracket is already destroyed, I just know it.

17) Chad Pennington may have blown out his last shoulder- Miami's starting quarterback from last season is unsure of his future in the NFL. Considering the guy is made out of styrofoam and Doritos, I think that he might be better off staying at home and avoiding the large black men who want to eviscerate him. The Fins should just make him an assistant coach and pray that no one pats him on the back too hard. Or tells him to throw a pass longer than 6 yards.

18) Tila Tequila isn't finished with Shawne Merriman- Remember all that mess about Merriman choking Tila and all that jazz? It just will not go away, and if it's true it shouldn't go away. If it's false though, this is the craziest marketing scheme that MTV has ever done. If this it what it takes to make people watch A Shot At Love then how many times did MTV beat the crap out of Whitney Port to get viewers for The City? Not enough apparently.

19) And no, I don't watch either of those shows- I'm not that big of a loser. Although I'm not adverse to The Hills.

20) Stay away from CB4, Dwayne Wade- Wade is acting as a recruiter for the Heat, preparing for the free agent class of 2010. These conversations have now included the Toronto Raptors forward Chris Bosh, who is having a monster season. Bosh says he wouldn't say no to Wade and the Heat's generosity, and Wade would definitely love to see Bosh in South Beach. BACK THE FUCK UP DWAYNE. The season's not even a quarter finished and you're out pimping your squad? Let CB4 figure things out for himself, because the Raps aren't terrible this year and there's potential to grow. Fuck Florida, fuck sunshine, and fuck orange juice. Bosh is Toronto's until the Raps say it's time to go. Until then Wade, back up and play basketball. 2010 doesn't need to be at the forefront of every NBA conversation.

21) Sorry for all that swearing- But it was completely necessary.

(No it wasn't.)

22) Byron Scott says aloha- And by that I mean he says goodbye to coaching the New Orleans Hornets, but hello to the $5 million that the Hornets will still pay him. It's like winning the lottery for bad coaches. Better buy your ticket Mike Dunleavy.

23) Gotta have my Pops- Pops Mensah-Bonsu was re-signed by the Toronto Raptors this week, making me smile and everyone wonder why they didn't just do this in the offseason. The Raps are a little soft down low, so it's good to see Pops down there getting gritty. Hopefully this means the end of having to watch Rasho Nesterovic move around like a scarecrow during games.

24) I'm having a nap- If you wake me up I'm gonna shove this article up your wazoo.

Geoff vs. Jeff: The Random Stuff Edition

2009-11-15T08:18:00.000-08:00

If life's a game, then I'm pretty sure I've flipped the board. I'm not posting the Thurday games because they happened already. For the record though, we both picked the 49ers, but there was a point on Thursday when I started to waffle. I didn't though.

So let's get this thing rolling. If I lose, I think I might just cry. Not even a joke. I need a win.

Jacksonville Jungle Cat World @ New York Sweat Pants Wearers (Jets; do some cardio Rex Ryan)

Geoff: New York. It's become a cardinal rule at The Chirp Show to never bet on the Jags. The whole Sanchez can't play in the cold is a bigger myth than Bigfoot. Or Santa (sorry kids).

Jeff: New York. My God, Rex Ryan, even for a bowler you're fat.

Denver Neck Beards @ Washington Yode Blowers

Geoff: Denver. Somebody get Kyle Orton a 40 of Jack Daniel's and some game film.

Jeff: Denver. It's only a matter of time before they find Jim Zorn dead of "natural causes". Just run Jimmy.

Cincinnati 85'ers @ The Artist Formerly Known as Willy Parker

Geoff: Pittsburgh. Ben Roethelisberger should be accused of sexual assault before every game, the way he's playing right now.

Jeff: Pittsburgh. Carson Palmer's going to be jumpier than a kangaroo in a moon bounce. Now that's a simile.

The Albatross That is Terrell Owens @ Tennessee Tylenol Overdosers

Geoff: Buffalo. I have no idea how I rationalized this.

Jeff: Tennessee. Chris Johnson looks like a pirate, nothing else to say, just wanted to point that out.

Detroit Sex Panthers @ Wrangler's Minnesota Outlet

Geoff: Minny. Favre's groin had a whole week of rest, and we all had a rest from having to hear about Brett Favre

Jeff: Minny. Matt Stafford's having a rougher go of things than those guys from Deliverance.

The 1999 St. Louis Rams @ St. Louis Rams (sigh)

Geoff: New Orleans. St. Louis isn't bad, everybody else is just really good. PSYCHE.

Jeff: New Orleans. The NFL should be legally obligated to make Drew Brees play this game with one arm tied behind his back.

Atlanta F***ons (how clever) @ Carolina Whatchamacallits

Geoff: Carolina. I just can't say no to the Panthers. I'm the girlfriend they take for granted and bang when they're all out of options.

Jeff: Atlanta. I just that NFL Sunday Countdown has a segment coming up called NostraDitka and I spit orange pop all over my keyboard.

Tampa Bay Game Winners @ Miami Dolphins

Geoff: Miami. Will the Dolphins torturous schedule ever end?

Jeff: Miami. (It just did.)

Kansas City Clusterfuck @ The Spousal Abuse Support Group

Geoff: KC. This could have been the game that Larry Johnson set the Chiefs franchise record. Instead, it's just another game people will be avoiding like gonorrhea.

Jeff: KC.

Seattle "I don't wanna see-" Hawks @ Arizona Inconsistents

Geoff: Arizona. Yep, so the Cardinals are definitely going to screw this up, aren't they?

Jeff: Arizona. I'm way too hungover to be funny. Sorry.

Andy Reid: Mind Freak @ Nicknames are hard

Geoff: Philly. Mr. Reid may be fat, but at least he's not stupid. Oh, wait.

Jeff: San Diego. And yet people think Norv Turner is going to win this game? Bleh.

Dallas Du Jour @ Green Bay OMGICANTBELIEVETHEYLOSTTOTAMPA

Geoff: Dallas. Tony Romo won't be cutting his hair until the Cowboys lose. What a sacrifice. Matt Hasselbeck just died a little bit inside.

Jeff: Dallas. Here's what Aaron Rodgers will be looking like today:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vyipMb9-js&feature=related

New England Fun Boys @ Indianapolis Goobers

Geoff: New England. Games are starting, insert your own wisecracks after this.

Jeff: New England.

Baltimore Barksdales @ Brady Quinn's Back, God Have Mercy On Us All

Geoff: Baltimore.

Jeff: Baltimore.

Head-to-Head Record

Geoff: 0-3-1

Jeff: 3-0-1

Nicker VS the Bookie: Week 10

2009-11-14T13:43:00.000-08:00

Falcons -1.5 over Panthers

Bills + 8.5 over Titans

Bengals + 7 over Steelers

Broncos - 4 over Redskins

Vikings -16.5 over Lions

Rams +14 over Saints

Jaguars +7 over Jets

Dolphins -10.5 over Buccaneers

Cowboys -3 over Packers

Chargers -1 over Eagles

Chiefs +2 over Raiders

Cardinals -8.5 over Seahawks

Patriots +3 over Colts

Ravens -11 over Browns

Good luck this week !

Chirp hard or die trying.

The Gary Bettman Award (For Knob of the Week)

2009-11-12T12:59:00.001-08:00

And the award gooooeeesss to... Allen Iverson!

If you look at this picture closely you can see Iverson twirling the ball on his middle finger, and really that's the same finger he gave the Memphis Grizzlies and their microscopically-small fan base this week.

Allen Iverson has showed his, "me first" attitude since the day he was drafted, first overall out of Georgetown, by the Philadelphia 76ers thirteen years ago. And to this day, he still hasn't changed.

During the Iverson years in Philly it was fun to watch this 6'1 guard go up against the giants and play his heart out. But the fact that he made his teammates look like they were more a part of the crowd, than actually part of the game, started to rub me the wrong way. But yes, A.I took a 76ers on his back to 2000-01 finals and won an M.V.P, so let's not say he hasn't done anything right.

For me though, watching a player who desperately needed to realize that playing with good players and playing within a team would actually help him; and still not "get it", it started to piss me off. After years of the 76ers trying to bring in players such as Chris Webber and Glen Robinson to help Iverson out, and for A.I. not try to share the ball with them, Philly finally washed their hands of him; shipping A.I off to Denver to team with rising star Carmelo Anthony.

In Denver, Iverson tried to tell people he could play a team game, but eventually everyone knew exactly what the Nuggets were: A team with shitty chemistry and two guys who were just going to try to outscore the other team (Anthony and Iverson). If you ask me, Anthony was held back because of Iverson and just now we're seeing what kind of player he could actually become.

My true dislike for Iverson started when the Nuggets came to Toronto to play the Raptors. In the '06 season, a couple months after his trade from Philly, I was a fan of Carmelo, and I even enjoyed watching J.R Smith play professional basketball without a care in the world; so I wanted to see how these two would feed off a veteran like Iverson. Well, what I saw was a complete joke, the Nuggets were M.I.A. losing by 40 points. I sat across from their bench and I watched A.I joke around with Melo and J.R. like they were the ones up by 40. I knew right then and there, that this was not going to work. And at the start of the following season, so did the Nuggets.

Iverson was traded to Detroit for Chauncey Billups and the two teams went in completely different directions. Billups took up a leadership role on the Nuggets that Iverson never did, and helped turn both Anthony's and Smith's careers around; also leading the Nuggets to the Western Conference Finals before bowing out to the Lakers. Iverson sent the Pistons into a downward spiral quicker than Lindsay Lohan's own downward spiral into booze, blow and career suicide. He fought with teammates, coaches, management, and refused a sixth man role, when really, if there was one player who could play the selfish role of scorer off the bench, Allen Iverson was it. Instead, he left the team before the season ended because of an "injury".

...Bullshit.

In the offseason, no one was interested in signing Iverson, a player who couldn't realize his time as "the guy" was up. Insert the only GM in the NBA who has to legally wear a helmet at all times: Memphis GM Chris Wallace. He offered Iverson a one year deal (really just to sell tickets). Every person who knows anything about basketball knew this wasn't going to work. O.J Mayo was the starting shooting guard for Memphis, period. He had a very successful rookie year, and let's face it, the Grizzlies had about the same chance of winning an NBA title as I would banging our "SCHWINGGG, of the Week" (it's a dream for both of us, but we realize it isn't going to happen). So bringing in Iverson to start over a promising young player made no sense to anyone. But for some reason "The Answer" didn't see it that way and again is at home, contemplating retirement.

Honestly, heres the "answer" to all your questions: No. That's what every GM needs to say when someone says they should sign Iverson. Until he realizes that he needs to become a role player on a good team, no one should pick up the phone and call A.I. (and I have a feeling he will never learn). Iverson's career now has three defining moments: The year he took the 76ers to the Finals (2001), his rant where he said the word practice more times than he's actually practiced in his whole life, and now as a selfish player, who is going to walk away because he can't get his way.

Congrats Allen, you're this week's Knob of the Week.

The SCHWINGGGG of the Week

2009-11-12T12:45:00.000-08:00

Emmanuelle Chriqui, a.k.a. Sloan from Entourage, is this week's "SCHWINGGGG of the Week".

Ummm , I don't really have much to say, it's hard to type when you're drooling all over your keyboard...SCHWINGGGG

Listen Up, Get Down

2009-11-11T21:33:00.000-08:00

Another podcast to make your ears bleed. Not as offside as last time, and we sound a bit sleepy, but it's still better than classical music. You heard me Beethoven, you deaf bitch.

As usual, listen away on our podcast player. Or, if you're feeling frisky, go to http://thechirpshow.podbean.com/ and listen, where you can also subscribe to The Chirp Show on iTunes (go down to the bottom right of the page).

And never forget that I love you.

Back to the Future...Odds

2009-11-11T12:18:00.000-08:00

Two posts in one day? I'm killing it right now. But aside from showing you Tim Donaghy's O-face, I want to actually talk a little gambling. The NBA is a cruel temptress to bet on, so like any sap, I've been betting on it like money sexually assaulted me as a child. Here's a little something-something I felt like yakking about: The odds for NBA Champion.

People like betting on future odds, and the odds for NBA Champ have been moving like a Mike D'Antoni offense. Here's a few trends that had me giggling:

Minnesota Timberwolves- Opened at 250/1, now moved to 300/1

David Kahn's been blathering on and on about how he's been trying to build a competitive team, but so far all he's done is make the T-Wolves so unattractive to bet on that Vegas is on it's hands and knees asking for your money. If you had the sense to bet on Minny in the first place, this would really chap your ass. Unfortunately, "sense to bet on Minny" is an oxymoron of epic proportions. Kind of like David Kahn and "qualified".

New Jersey Nets- Opened at 50/1, now moved to 200/1

Why was this so low to begin with? When a team is relying on Devin Harris, The ugly Lopez, and the guy who blew a possible series changing alley oop against the Lakers, 50/1 is an affront to God. Vegas quickly remedied this by realizing that bettors would sooner live in New Jersey than bet on a team that has Yi Jianlin. I mean, he gets those Chinese television ratings, but even Mao couldn't be convinced to lay money on these duds.

LA Clippers- Opened at 200/1, now moved to 75/1

WHAAAAAT? C'mon now, I know the potential is there, but the Clippers at 75/1 is crazy. Blake Griffin is good, but will he ever stay healthy? Thats the gods conspiring to make sure that Donald Sterling forever toils in loserdom. I also love Baron Davis as much as the next guy, but Mike Dunleavy couldn't coach his way out of a paper bag. Or even half a paper bag. Or a thimble full of Chris Kaman's sweat. This is Vegas overreacting and covering their ass, even though there's a better chance of the Washington Generals winning the NBA Championship.

Oklahoma City Thunder- Opened at 250/1, now moved to 125/1

This is one shift I can deal with. NBA fans everywhere are trying to hide their erections for the Thunder until it's safe to whip 'em out, and Vegas recognizes this and is narrowing the odds, just in case. I'm still at half mast for OKC, but this move intrigues Mini-Geoff. It's still a looooong shot but Kevin Durant hasn't been shooting great and the Thunder are still a .500 team. This makes sense, boner-teasing sense.

Milwaukee Bucks- Opened at 75/1, now at 125/1

This is a dastardly move by the bookies. Milwaukee is actually having a good season. Scott Skiles has turned them into a team that plays excellent defense, and Brandon Jennings may be the steal of the draft. Top that off with a still-yet-to-reach-his-potential Andrew Bogut, and you've got yourself a way to coax money out of people like me. But in a conference that has Orlando, Boston, and Cleveland all guaranteed to beat Milwaukee if it ever comes to it, the Bucks aren't realistic to win the 'ship. Take the money you'd consider betting on Milwaukee and buy yourself a nice sandwich. No reason for that, I just really want a sandwich right now.

Last one...

Phoenix Suns- Opened at 18/1, now at 25/1

Here's a move I think Vegas may regret. Phoenix is actually looking like a team that could cause some trouble in the playoffs. Steve Nash refuses to age, Amar'e is slowly regaining his form, and the Suns are running and gunning once more. The West has re-designed itself, instead of dealing with the Suns of 04-06, the teams are trying to figure out how to beat the bigs of LA. And in doing so, the Suns are now in prime position to run these bigs into the ground. Vegas doesn't think they're for real yet (it looks like they're trying to grab a few extra bucks here), but as Jeff Nickerson will tell you, these Suns are for real. And for the record, my underdog pick, Golden State, is now at 125/1. DAMN YOU DON NELSON, WAKE THE FUCK UP AND COACH.

Oh, and here's a picture from Back to the Future:

WE DON'T NEED ROADS WHERE WE'RE GAMBLING MARTY!

Ha, see what I did there?

Mo-Vember, Mo Problems

2009-11-11T09:34:00.001-08:00

Look at these gods of men, these sultans of stache, these locquacious lords of the upper lip. Truly, they are kings.

I'm a giver. I live to give. So when someone said, "Hey Geoff, wanna grow mustaches?" I was already pushing one out of my face (like PlayDoh) before they could tell me why. Apparently, Mo-Vember is about raising money for prostate cancer research, and if there's a better reason for growing mustaches I haven't heard of it. Yet, I don't know how to raise said money, that's really on you. All I can do is grow sweet, sweet, dust.

So go out and grow your mustaches people. If Keith Hernandez can hack butts and play mean defense at first base, then you can look like a pedophile for a few days.

(Interesting story: I strolled into the local grocery the other day intending to buy toilet paper, as our house had run out. As I approached the cash register I realized how ridiculous I looked, I had a 24 of Charmin under one arm, a big thing of steak in the other, and a mustache that had mothers clutching their children. People in line were looking at me with disgust. Apparently there's no good way to buy toilet paper, as all the people in line are thinking that you're pushing cloth as you stand there. And you can't rebut that, because, well, you're buying TP, eventually you're going to use it.)

In closing, I leave you with my 'stache. Tremble at it's mightiness.

(Sorry, no Tuesday Two Four this week. I'm really bogged down taking pictures of my mustache.)

Listen Up, Get Down

2009-11-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

Brand new podcast for you folks. It's full of swears so you might wanna earmuff it for the little ones. As usual you can listen to the pod on the player to the right, or by going to http://thechirpshow.podbean.com/ and listening to it there. And if you choose the latter, why not subscribe to The Chirp Show on iTunes? Just scroll down to the bottom right at the Podbean site and click subscribe on the big iTunes button.

Remember kids: Only you can prevent forest fires. Because I'll burn down the forest if you don't listen to this podcast. There's your warning.

Love,

Geoff

Nicker Vs. the Bookie: Results From Week 9

2009-11-09T15:04:00.000-08:00

Wipe that smile off your face Mr. Rodgers, you have nothing to be happy about. Your terrible Packers killed every gambling degenerates' three team teasers this week, so congrats! If you were following my picks, I ended up 5 and 3 in straight point spreads, and with my teasers an overall record of 10 and 5. Which isn't too bad, if you put my winners together on a betting card. Too bad for me I went with Aaron Rodgers and the worst O-line in NFL on almost every card I had. Soooo I ended up taking a solid hit on the funds this weekend but I knew it was just a matter of time; I hadn't had negative returns in any of the first eight weeks. The gambling gods had to hit sometime...I just wish they hadn't hit me as hard as Chris Brown hits women.

I'll be back later in the week for my for Week 10 picks, it'll be all straight points spreads and I'll give the reasons behind why I'm picking a team. Cheers!

Chirp hard or die trying.

Geoff vs. Jeff: Don't Call it a Comeback, Because I'm Probably Going to Lose

2009-11-08T09:01:00.000-08:00

Things aren't going great for me here. I've yet to win our picks competition and I'm so hungover I can feel my soul slowly dying. I also made what may be the dumbest picks in history, that are on the verge of discrediting what little credit I have. Nevertheless, I'm gonna give it my all here and try to make this work. Or at least try not to puke up all that Southern Comfort I polished off.

Kansas City @ Jacksonville

Geoff: Jacksonville. Just give the ball to MoJo and keep this game off my television.

Jeff: Jacksonville. Poor Matt Cassell. Remember when he played for New England?

Baltimore @ Cincinnati

Geoff: Baltimore. This just in: Ray Lewis responds poorly to being taunted. Watch out 'dere Mr. 85.

Jeff: Cincy. Child, please.

Houston @ Indianapolis

Geoff: Houston. The Schaub refuses to be stumped and I'm finally jumping on the bandwagon. Out of my way dignity.

Jeff: Indy. Not football related, but I think I'm going to yak.

Washington @ Atlanta

Geoff: Atlanta. It wouldn't surprise me if Washington won this game because they manage to fuck everything up, including your bets.

Jeff: Atlanta. Somebody needs to punch Dan Snyder in the brain.

Green Bay @ Tampa Bay

Geoff: Green Bay. Why not just make this a bye week?

Jeff: Green Bay. I hope Tampa brought back more than just pictures of Big Ben with them. NOT GAY PICTURES OF ROETHELISBERGER YOU UNEDUCATED HOMOPHOBES.

Arizona @ Chicago

Geoff: Arizona. The wheels are starting to come off...

Jeff: Chicago. Cutler the Grouch can't tell you how to get to Sesame Street, but he will tell you to fuck off and then pout.

Miami @ New England

Geoff: Miami. A little more...

Jeff: New England. Brady and Belichick have had two weeks to scheme, which means they finally have planned out all their Christmas shopping.

Carolina @ New Orleans

Geoff: Carolina. And there they go! So long sanity.

Jeff: New Orleans. Blah, blah, blah, Brees, blah, blah, blah.

Detroit @ Seattle

Geoff: Seattle. My eyes are bleeding.

Jeff: Seattle. Games like this make Baby Jesus cry.

Tennessee @ San Francisco

Geoff: Tennessee. WHY AM I PICKING SO MANY UPSETS?

Jeff: San Fran. Crabs debuts for the first time at home, and plans to show his solidarity with the gay community by showing off he and Alex Smith's broner for each other.

San Diego @ New York Giants

Geoff: New York. Don't let me down Eli, but you probably will so just go sit in the corner.

Jeff: SD. The battle of the 2004 draft class, Nate Kaeding vs. Chris Snee!

Dallas @ Philadelphia

Geoff: Philly. Romo is due to start playing like Romo anytime now.

Jeff: Philly. Brian Westbrook returns just in time to not run the football for Philly.

Pittsburgh @ Denver

Geoff: Denver. Kyle Orton's love affair with whiskey won't stop him from owning Pittsburgh's D.

Jeff: Denver. I don't feel so good.

Head-to-Head Record

Geoff: 0-2-1

Jeff: 2-0-1

There's No Room for Babies in the NFL

2009-11-07T10:38:00.000-08:00

The latest buzz around Boston Celtics forward, Glen "Big Baby" Davis (aside from breaking his thumb on his friend's face), is that he'd like to play in the NFL one day.

Now I salute any endeavour that athletes decide to take. It's why I have ten copies of Shaq's album and am currently undergoing a procedure to gain the Nike Combat skin that Adrian Peterson hocks. It's costly and painful, but I'm sure it will keep all those Mountain Dew stains off my body.

But Davis to the NFL is something that has "hilarious" and "what the fuck" written all over it. For one, he's already making bank with the Celts, why rock the boat and ditch a steady paycheck to play a sport that gives you concussions quicker than squaring off with an ornery mountain goat?

Like I said above though, I'll give anything a pass, so let's delve a little deeper.

A few players have gone from playing college basketball to the NFL. Guys like Marcus Pollard and Antonio Gates went from the court to the gridiron and have made their mark on football. An even less-documented case is that of Jai Lewis. Lewis played on the notorious 2006 George Mason squad that made a huge run in the NCAA Tournament.

Of the players above, Lewis probably had the closest body-type to Big Baby. He was listed as 6'7'' and a generous 275 pounds, but I have a few sources at the George Mason meal hall who say that he was a man who enjoyed a good Sloppy Joe.* The New York Giants offered him a tryout for their offensive line and listed him at 6'5'' and 292 pounds.

Lewis was eventually cut from the Giants and now plays basketball overseas. He couldn't hack it in the NBA or NFL.

My point is that all these guys didn't have anywhere near the basketball talent that Glen Davis has. It's fun to think you can just play any sport you want, but when you're a key cog on a team that has two old guys in front of you (Garnett and Rasheed Wallace are both in their mid-30's), why chance it? You're the successor to their throne, and Davis had a very good postseason last year filling in for Garnett. Why not bide your time and get better at basketball, while also avoiding the temptation to punch out your buddies?

I know it's a hard thing to do. I'd like to smack a bunch of my friends in the face sometimes (you jerks), and I'd also like to play in the NFL. But if I had the chance to learn from Kevin Garnett I'd listen (mostly because I'd be terrified of the guy, but whatever).

Now Davis may have the talent to play in the NFL. If you've seen his high school highlight tape he's trucking a plethora of undersized white children. He looks like Earl Campbell and Andre the Giant made sweet love and their baby decided to play running back.

But why risk it, Baby?

*I have no meal hall connections, besides knowing how to eat in them.

The Gary Bettman Award (For Knob of the Week)

2009-11-07T08:28:00.000-08:00

Bongiorno mis amores! It is I, DJ Geazzy Geoff doing this week's Knob. Nickerson would like to do it, but he's off deep sea diving for treasure. By this time next week this site could be printed in gold! Or pirate skeletons! But let's do the Knob first...giggle.

This week's Knob is Stephen Jackson of Golden State Warriors and Auburn Palace Brawl fame. Recently Mr. Jackson got himself a shiny, new, Chinese, tattoo. What is it of? The words honor and loyalty. These are good things to have...if he had them.

For those of you who are NBA-deficient, Jackson is the guy who's been asking for a trade and pretty much holding the Warriors ransom. His name has been dropped in trades with Cleveland, Dallas, and Charlotte. Truly, this is a man who values loyalty.

To his next team.

Now I know that the Warriors aren't destroying the NBA, but the timing of this tattoo is the epitome of hypocrisy (at least Don Nelson has the manners to at least pretend like he gives a shit). Also, I'm aware I picked Golden State to make the playoffs in our NBA Preview Podcast, so I'm intensely biased. But I'm writing this thing so... fuck it.

Stephen Jackson, shape up for me please. Because I can't stand to lose another fake $1000 to Nickerson. That guy is killing me right now, that pirate bastard.

Until then, Stephen Jackson wins The Gary Bettman Award (For Knob of the Week). And may God have mercy on our souls.

Nicker Vs The Bookie

2009-11-06T10:32:00.000-08:00

People have been asking me to post my bets, so this is what I like this weekend in the NFL:

I'm not going tell you how to parlay your games together, that's your call, I'm just giving you the picks I'm going to make, if you want me to put together cards for you shoot me an email, nickerson_jeff@hotmail.com

Here's what I like:

Straight point spreads: (My pick is the team repeated in bold)

Baltimore Ravens @ Cincinnati Bengals
Cincinnati Bengals +3 (-115)

Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints
Carolina Panthers +13 (-105)

Dallas Cowboys @ Philadelphia Eagles
Philadelphia Eagles -3 (-105)

Detroit Lions @ Seattle Seahawks
Seattle Seahawks -10 (-105)

Green Bay Packers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Green Bay Packers -10 (-105)

Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts
Houston Texans +8.5 (-105)

San Diego Chargers @ New York Giants
San Diego Chargers +4.5 (-105)

Tennessee Titans @ SanFrancisco 49ers
SanFrancisco 49ers -4 (-105)

7 point teasers:( My pick repeated in bold)

Detroit Lions @ Seattle Seahawks
Seattle Seahawks -3 (-105)

Green BayPackers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Green Bay Packers -3.5 (-105)

Miami Dolphins @ NewEngland Patriots
New England Patriots -3.5

San Diego Chargers New York Giants
San Diego Chargers +11.5 (-105)

10 Point Teaser: ( My picks repeated in bold)

Baltimore Ravens @ Cincinnati Bengals
Cincinnati Bengals +13 (-105)

Green Bay Packers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Green Bay Packers -0.5 (-105)

Washington Redskins @ Atlanta Falcons
Atlanta Falcons 0 (-105)

Well those are my picks this week, hopefully they're winners. If I have anymore picks I'll post them on my Twitter. Good luck and cheers

Chirp hard or die trying.

Listen Up, Get Down

2009-11-05T19:06:00.000-08:00

Another podcast for you people, it's our weekly NFL picks pod, and you can find it on our podcast player to the right, or by clicking on The Chirp Show podcast link on our links down there on the right. And while you're at it, why not subscribe to it on iTunes?

The Chirp Show: Because if you had a podcast, we'd listen to it.

The SCHWINGGGG, of the week

2009-11-05T09:13:00.001-08:00

This week is for A-CHAMP

From Geoff's Tuesday Two Four (a great read, I must say):

21) A-Rod: The Centaur of Attention- Kate Hudson's cuddliest widdle bear was revealed to love himself. What a shocker. Apparently A-Rod has not one, but two, pictures of himself as a centaur in his house. I love Greek mythology as much as the next guy, but I'm fine with my single portrait of me as Zeus. What a weirdo.

Yes, the half horse, half A-Rod, picture is a little frightening. But I think he might like to look at our Schwingggg of the week Kate Hudson as well...Schwinggg

CHAMPS!

2009-11-05T08:38:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to the 2009 New York Yankees. Yes, the 208 million dollar payroll had a lot to do with it, but they've had the highest payroll every year for the last 9 years, and still didn't win. This year though, we finally had a great team chemistry, after adding the likes of Nick Swisher, Mark Teixeira, C.C Sabathia, and A.J Burnett. This team went away from the business approach and loosened up; and in the end, it paid off with our 27th WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP!

Some things to remember from these playoffs: Alex Rodriguez breaking out of his playoff slump and becoming someone you have to fear every time he steps up to the plate--any time of the year--, Derek Jeter proving he is one of the greatest players of all time, C.C Sabathia's dominating pitching performances, and Godzilla's unbelievable Game 6 with six RBI's.

It was great and for one last time this year...Theeee Yannnkeeees winnn, theee Yannnkeeees winnn THHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YAAAAAAAAAAANKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS WIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNN.

A Sad Commentary

2009-11-03T18:56:00.000-08:00

Have you been dying to chirp the Chirpers? Well now you can!

Click on the comments under every post and you can let us know what you think about The Chirp Show. You can either post as anonymous or you can take five seconds and create a Blogger profile to add a little zazz to your snark. Just remember it was me, Geoff, who came up with the comment idea. Sooo...be nice to me at least, ya jerks.

Try it out after this post by clicking on the comments, it's fun to rag on people.

The Tuesday Two Four

2009-11-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

Lezzzzzz do it.

1) The Oregon Ducks- John David Booty is rolling in his grave (also known as an NFL bench). The Ugly Ducklings finally grew into the swans that make absolutely zero sense in this metaphor, and gave the USC Trojans a worse beating than that bench press did to Stafon Johnson. I'm sorry Stafon, but that's what you get for being physically active. Us shut-ins know that you can't get hurt if you don't get off the couch.

2) Tedd Ginn JRR (GET IT?!?!)- Welcome home buddy. But does your performance make up for the three years of stinkiness? Only time will tell.

(Because if you suck next week we're all going to call for your head again.)

3)Brett Favre- Everyone's favorite gunslinger just told Wisconsin to cram it with walnuts. I get it, he broke your hearts; but the thing was already so full of cheese curds that it was due to be broken anyway. Or explode. Or become lactose intolerant and kill itself by gorgonzola asphyxiation. PEOPLE FROM WISCONSIN LOVE CHEESE.

4) Peter King- The chubby sportswriter from Sports Illustrated nutted up and went on Deadspin.com to promote his new book. Deadspin is notorious for peppering King with fat jokes (on Kissing Suzy Kolber they called him a "Porkquistador") and run of the mill fuckoffery, so this was something to behold. I watched as King entered the chat and answered some question while showing some balls that he probably hasn't seen since he got back on the carbs. Some highlights included him saying, "piss me off" and preferring Rick Reilly to Bill Simmons. Mr. King, I salute you, ya fackin' porkquistador.

5) The Raps are honoring Vinsanity- The Toronto Raptors lost to the Magic this weekend. So it's a good thing the next time the Magic return they'll be throwing one of them a party. Vince Carter, that lovable scamp, will be toasted as part of the Raps 15th Anniversary Special. Will people boo? Probably. Unfortunately, Isiah Thomas traded his invite for two tickets to Bananarama.

6) The Blue Jays Are Bringing Back Cito- Some people are absolutely livid that a guy who has brought on an environment of constant feuding is due to return. The Man in the Iron Mustache didn't do a great job last season and he's not the man to work on a rebuilding franchise, IF THAT'S THE DIRECTION THE JAYS ARE TAKING. What if this is the sign that Paul Beeston is about to unleash the financial hounds and the Jays go on a free agent spending spree? Then Cito would be the man for the job. That's the only reason they should keep him, but if it's not...well...I'm still not going to pay my cell phone bill Rogers.

7) Vernon Wells is having wrist surgery- Turns out that V Dub had an actual reason for sucking this season. Apparently his cartillage looks like a sponge at Ed Scissorhands' house, and it hampered him to no end. So for all of you who chose to boo the man, I hope you're happy. You are? Yeah, me too.

8) The New York Giants blow- Another week, another embarrassing loss for Eli Manning and the former champions of the world. I know I brought this up last week, but damn, that was an embarrassing loss to the Eagles. Who would have thought that just beating up on bad teams would blur people's perception of a team? ANSWER ME.

9) The Broncos run out of luck- There was no freak loose ball that could save Denver from the wrath of Ed Reed and the Ravens. Gus Johnson's blue balls will have to wait another week. Ew.

10) RAMS WIN! RAMS WIN!- What a performance by St.Louis this week. Not only did they beat the only team in the NFL worse than them, but they needed a fake field goal to do so. The game ball went to head coach Steve Spagnuolo, for his superb coaching of a team that needed a win so bad they gave the game ball to their coach. Are all Rams wins going to start being an annual occurrence? Or will they find another team stupid enough to drink Nyquil before kickoff this season? I mean, they already played Washington...

11) Daniel Snyder is sorry- That the Washington Redskins suck so bad. Apparently the man who has drove Washington into the ground is embarrassed that his team is terrible. I guess when you're being bombarded for being an incompetent owner the only way to divert attention is to make public statements that chafe fans like bicycle pants on Albert Haynesworth.

12) Rex Ryan is magnanimous in defeat- My fave punching bag (because fat is soft) has perfected the way to be a bad loser. After getting beat by the Dolphins, the coach of the Jets refused to give Miami any credit; and he even has his players spouting sarcasm, as Bart Scott's postgame interview proved. Hey Rex! You're not fat!

Isn't sarcasm fun?

13) Halloween is getting skankier- I actually heard people complaining that women are dressing like hussies come Halloween. Now I don't want to interfere with this trend, so I'll just say that it's the woman's choice and they shouldnt' feel pressured to dress in a certain manner. But there comes a point when it takes more than just candy to land you the man of your dreams.

...unless that man is Rex Ryan.

WHO ISN'T FAT.

14) STILL NO HOCKEY- Yep, haven't watched it yet. But I did save a bunch of money by switching to Geico. Terrible jokes for a terrible league, ya gotta love it.

15) The Return of Vince Young- I'd like to give Young more credit for the Titans first win of the season, but I have an odd feeling that Chris Johnson's rushing explosion might have had more bearing on the outcome. Don't worry Vinny, I'm sure you'll prove us wrong yet. At least Kerry Collins can go back to boozing now.

16) Barack Obama is slacking- This year's college football season is crazier than an unmedicated Michael Richards. And where is the man who promised a football playoff this presidency? RECRUITING SARAH JESSICA PARKER TO AN ARTS PANEL. I know getting laid is important B, but no man should ever cave to Sex and the City. Get us our playoff before this BCS Championship looks like Charlotte York's last marriage, Obama.

17) I want my book Bill Simmons- The Sports Guy is out promoting his book tour, and I'm stuck here waiting two weeks for my copy of The Book of Basketball. This is... B.S.? Oh man, I'm witty. Give me my round of applause NOW.

18) Brett Favre again- Number 4 in your hearts, number 18 in the Two Four. The Jean Machine had a camera follow him around the field all Sunday as the football world prayed for a single middle finger to the Lambeau faithful. If you're going to make a clean break, burn all them bridges Brett.

19) Rajon Rondo gets extended, Rudy Gay goes flaccid- The Boston Celtics managed to work out a deal with their point guard, finally ending the jerking around of their best player. Rudy Gay and the Memphis Grizzlies couldn't reach an agreement, making Gay a restricted free agent come summer. I blame Memphis and their homophobic tendencies, or the fact that Chris Wallace couldn't manage Mark Cuban's Dairy Queen.

20) The Yankees can't put away Philadelpha- Oh yeah, there's a World Series going on, and A.J. Burnett imploded while trying to finish the Phillies off. As a Blue Jays fan, this pleases me. But as a fan of wanting to see baseball end, this is making me now hope to see a Yankee collapse. But if New York blows it, George Steinbrenner might actually die, and the world needs him for the season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I'm so conflicted.

21) A-Rod: The Centaur of Attention- Kate Hudson's cuddliest widdle bear was revealed to love himself. What a shocker. Apparently A-Rod has not one, but two, pictures of himself as a centaur in his house. I love Greek mythology as much as the next guy, but I'm fine with my single portrait of me as Zeus. What a weirdo.

22) Jake Delhomme refuses to go away- The Carolina Panthers managed to beat Arizona on the strength of Jake's 75 passing yards. I don't know if this is weirder for Arizona or Carolina. Either way, the NFL season manages to stay crazy. At least Julius Peppers will stop making threatening to John Fox for a while.

JP: What's your favorite scary movie Johnny?
JF: This week's game tape.
JP: Oh. Well, see you at practice Coach.
JF: Who is this?

CLICK.

23) I'm watching Delonte West play right now- And he doesn't have a guitar case full of shotguns on the bench. What up with that?

24) Gambling sucks- I don't mean that, but I got clobbered this week end on NFL games. At least we can all give Nickerson a nice pat on the back for his successful 8-team parlay. You bastard.

And that's all she wrote people. Go listen and subscribe to The Chirp Show Podcast. At least you don't have to read anything. Two Four Out (of ideas).

Listen Up, Get Down

2009-11-03T16:17:00.000-08:00

A-hoy-hoy. It is I, Geoffrey. We here at The Chirp Show have decided to attempt an UNMATCHABLE feat. We're going to do two podcasts a week. It may sound crazy (it isn't), but we think we can do it.

This is good news for those of you with ears. As always, you can listen to the The Chirp Show on our podcast player on the site. Or if you're feeling adventurous you can go to The Chirp Show @ Podbean.com and listen to it there; plus you can subscribe to it on iTunes.

You have the power.

Geoff vs. Jeff III: THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE

2009-11-01T08:34:00.000-08:00

Last week we tied, and that just don't sit right wit' me. That's me reaching out to the urban audience....yo. Anywho, like every Sunday, me and Jeff do battle once more. LET THE CHIRPING BEGIN.

Denver @ Baltimore

Geoff: Baltimore. Joe Flacco's hideous mug will scare little children and defensive ends named Elvis Dumervil all day.

Jeff: Baltimore. If Josh McDaniels wins another game I'm going to douse myself in gasoline and light a match. The thin air is going to his head and I wanna vom everytime they show his gargantuan melon.

Cleveland @ Chicago

Geoff: Chicago. Jay Cutler may be drunk and surly but...well...nope that's it.

Jeff: Chicago. Do you remember when they used to call Mangini, "Mangenius"? I bet if Ernest P. Worrell was a head coach they'd be calling him Einstein if he managed to keep his fly up for a half.

Houston @ Buffalo

Geoff: Buffalo. I have no idea why I think Buffalo will win, but I do. I guess you could say I've got a feeling. WINK WINK. Yeah, I've got nothing.

Jeff: Houston. Unfortunately for Buffalo, neither of the Bushes will be tossing the coin at the game. Instead it will be some guy named Mikey whose crowning achievment was driving to the stadium without getting nailed for DUI. Screw you Buffalo.

Minnesota @ Green Bay

Geoff: Green Bay. I just watched some guy with no throat call Brett Favre a traitor. If that doesn't warrant choosing the Pack, well, I just don't know what to believe anymore.

Jeff: Minnesota. I'm pretty sure that Favre is the Matthew McConaughey of football; he's got that country charm, but he's also secretly plotting to destroy your brain and make you cry tears of disgust.

San Francisco @ Indianapolis

Geoff: Indy. Peyton Manning is so good that I'm pretty sure they based the Bible on his life.

Jeff: Indy. This game might be closer than you think, but I just can't endorse a team run by Alex Smith...it's like endorsing methadone clinics for wayward trees.

St. Louis @ Detroit

Geoff: Detroit. I THOUGHT, that Calvin Johnson a.k.a. Megatron, would be playing. Now I find out that he isn't and I'm still picking Detroit. What does that say about the Rams?

Jeff: St. Louis.

(It says they suck.)

Seattle @ Dallas

Geoff: Dallas. Miles Austin wears his Halloween mask 24/7. If they ever remake Jaws, Austin is available.

Jeff: Dallas. Seattle is fading like Hasselbeck's hairline.

Oakland @ San Diego

Geoff: San Diego. The big question is: What will Philip Rivers eat on the sideline during the game? A) a hotdog B) a hamburger, or C) whatever it is that makes him look like a simpleton, so maybe some cotton candy

Jeff: SD. Tom Cable is quickly losing all credibility as a human being. He'd take a swing at Al Davis if he wasn't so busy dusting the potato chips off his gut. What a fucking dud.

Jacksonville @ Tennessee

Geoff: Jags. This game is so ugly Tom Cable just beat the shit out of it.

Jeff: Jags. Vince Young finally has a chance to put all the rumors to bed. He will prove for certain that, no, he is not an NFL QB.

Carolina @ Arizona

Geoff: Carolina. I forget how I came to pick Carolina, but I have a feeling that it involved booze.

Jeff: Arizona. Kurt Warner a Hall of Famer? Meh, why not? He's had maybe the craziest career our of any player ever, and he's still ticking. Plus, his wife is nuts. Have mercy HOF.

New York Giants @ Philadelphia

Geoff: Philly. Brian Westbrook is out, which would matter if they ever ran the ball.

Jeff: Philly. Eli Manning needs to sort his shit out, Tom Coughlin can only watch so many re-runs of JAG before he explodes.

Miami @ New York Jets

Geoff: Miami. This game is going to be tougher than Rex Ryan struggling to breathe in his sleep.

Jeff: New York. No Kris Jenkins? No problem! Oh wait...that is a problem...

Atlanta @ New Orleans

Geoff: New Orleans. I WANT THAT MOLE TESTED BREES.

Jeff: New Orleans. If Atlanta had a defense this might be an actual game, but, you know.

Overall Record

Geoff: 0-1-1

Jeff: 1-0-1

Yeah we tied, get over it.

The Tuesday Two Four-Wednesday Edition

2009-10-26T20:16:00.000-07:00

1) The Yankees win the pennant ($225 million later)-The saddest part about the Yankees winning is that some kid in California won't get adopted. Are you happy now A-Rod? That kid saw angels and now Tony Danza won't be his dad. For shame.

2) The World Series is going to be a doozy- If you looked at last years World Series and said, "Man, I wish that Team X would have made it instead of the Rays" there's a 85-90% chance you were thinking about the Yankees. Well you're in luck because we're finally going to see the best two teams this seasons duke it out. The first game has C.C. Sabathia and Cliff Lee pitching, and if I'm an Indians fan I'm wondering how much carbon monoxide it takes to make the pain go away.

3) The David Spade/Chris Farley Commercial Controversy- Somehow people have managed to get in a huff over a DirecTV commercial. It has David Spade re-enacting a scene from Tommy Boy with the previously dead Chris Farley. I get that it's violating whatever norms Jesus had against commercials, but this is the same Chris Farley who died of a speedball overdose while trying to get home in time to bang the hooker he was with. Soooo I think it's safe to say he wasn't too concerned over his legacy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvyZC5Wajj0

4) Braylon Edwards charged, Tom Cable still fat (but uncharged)- If you didn't hear, Bray-Bray actually got charged for smacking some guy who knows LeBron James in the mouth. And if you didn't hear (wake up deafie), Tom Cable didn't get charged for breaking his assistant coach's jaw. The lesson as always: Black people get all the breaks from the legal system.

5) Alex Smith Lives!- Everyone's favorite draft bust returned to action Sunday, giving hope to pussies everywhere. Not only did he nearly propel the 49ers to victory, but he also managed to play pretty well in the process. Mostly because...

6) San Francisco's got a case of the Crabs- Mike Crabtree played his first game as a 49er Sunday. Smith and Crabtree have apparently spent some time working with one another, and hooked up a few times. NOT IN THE GAY WAY.

7) Somebody take away Larry Johnson's Twitter- Larry Johnson managed to prove his own incompetence AND enrage English majors everywhere with his unintelligible tweets. Johnson, Age 5, made references about how TODD MOTHERFUCKING HALEY never played in the NFL and that Johnson's Dad played for Denzel Washington (actually the coach he portrayed in Remember the Titans). I think it's clear what LJ wants: MORE CRAYONS.

8) Sam Bradford- The banged-up Oklahoma QB decided he would get some surgery on his shoulder and bail on Oklahoma. Bradford is on pace for Chad Pennington's career, and if that's the case than I would suggest growing a moustache or something. No joke, just do it.

9) The Miami Dolphins choked- After taking a 21-point lead on Sunday, the Fins slowly let the Saints crawl back and blast them. It was like watching Titanic, except it was four hours of watching Tony Sparano being sketched in the nude. They still all die in the end, but there's a lot of hairy man-fat being drawn first.

10) This one's for you Head-The Iowa Hawkeyes managed to squeak out a last second victory over Michigan State to keep themselves undefeated. I think I speak for everyone when I say I'm looking forward to their 45-7 loss to USC in the Rose Bowl. I'm kidding.

...

...I'm not

...

...The Big Ten is a bigger joke than Fatty Arbuckle.

11) More unbeaten teams get lucky- Florida and Alabama managed to bribe their way to victories on Saturday, which is good news for referees who need to pay off their mortgage. Even though I believe the SEC is a better conference (see above), this outbreak of terrible refereeing is worse than swine flu. At least that came from pigs. All we have to blame for bad reffing is humans who eat like them. I think that's the classiest joke I've ever used. BONER.

11) AHAHAHAHAHA Brett Favre- C'mon Minnesota fans, don't pout. You should be thankful that this didn't happen sooner. At least it wasn't a typical Brett Favre meltdown, most of the blame belongs to Chester Taylor. Go eat your swedish meatballs and relax.

12) Professor Football is legit- Professor Football, my fantasy football team, is now undefeated and leading the league. And that, ladies and gents, is how you take advantage of rubes. I haven't made money this easy since my days as a prostitute. Hey-oh.

13) The NBA Season is upon us- Ah, it's been too long. It's finally time to watch basketball once more.

14) I still haven't watched hockey- Hm, I was going to say that this coincided with the Leafs not winning a game, but that's not gonna fly anymore. Instead, I'll actually go you one better...

15) The NHL is buying the Phoenix Coyotes- Okay, if you have to step in and buy a team in your league, maybe it's time to let it go. It costs you more money to own and operate the thing, and if no one in Phoenix gives a shit then why are you still holding on? The NHL should have just let Jim Balsillie buy the team, at least we'd get some more zany antics. Now all we have are old people watching a team coached by illegal gambling concerns and owned by idiots. I SMELL A CUP.

16) Mark Sanchez eating on the sidelines- The ol' Sanchise polished off a hot dog during the Jets' 38-0 rout of the Raiders.

...

...

...ugh.

...

...fine I'll say it:

WHY NOT A BURRITO THERE MARKY?

17)I was drunk as fudge last night- Which is the main reason you're getting the Two Four on Wednesday. But when I have a choice between drunken karaoke (Jim Croce's "Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown" was my song of choice) and plowing through 24 notables, well, you can wait. At least be happy that I killed it up there and that I got a high five from a guy dressed as Gene Simmons. Pretty reputable company right there.

18)Rasheed Wallace's afro- The Big Technical has grown himself a fro so awesome that I can hear the disco coming from it.

19) INSERT BALLOON BOY JOKE HERE

20) Cedric Benson holds a grudge- Ceddy beat the Bears into submission after being tortured by them in their secret dungeon for three years. Apparently Benson's time in Chicago was unBEARable, and he made he Chicago look like Al Capone's bloated, syphilis-ridden, corpse. I couldn't care less though, because if you paid me a million dollars and had the South Side Bratwurst Society yell at me I'd laugh and ask for seconds. The point: SIGN ME CHICAGO. I'm available. I'm a lot nicer than Jay Cutler and I make a mean nacho platter.

21) Miller Lite- Has anyone seen that Miller Lite commercial where the ad pretends to be for an internet matchmaking site? I saw it once on Sunday and spit beer all over my tattered rags. If someone out there can find it for me I will give them a thousand fantasy dollars I won against Nickerson this week.

22) Chuck Swirsky- Even though it's been a full year since the Swirsk departed, I know that the second the Raps game starts tonight I'm going to wish he was calling it. No man did more for the Toronto Raptors than Charles Swirsky. You may have gone to Chicago, but you never left...my heart. Excuse me, there's something in my eye.

(It's respect and admiration. Not tears or shampoo.)

23) Pro-Line Conquered- You read correctly, I finally found a way to beat the system. The fact that nearly every NFL fave covered this weekend may have something to do with it but I still won. What did I buy with my winnings? Well it wasn't the power bill. Which is why I'm typing by candlelight and powering my laptop with coal.

24) My vow- Here it is, my Tebow-like pledge to you, to never let this Wednesday shit happen again. If I can't be punctual, I don't deserve to have a blog. The internet has spoken.

Y'all come back now!

...suckers.

The Gary Bettman Award (For Knob of The Week)

2009-10-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable says that JaMarcus Russell is still the team's starting quarterback.

"I thought he was, for the first time, I thought he was really out of sorts early in the game," Cable told NFL.com. "I didn't feel like, at that point, he gave us the best chance to have the success we needed to have offensively and made the move. JaMarcus will continue to be our starter. There's no issue there."

......... REALLY? Did a heavyweight boxer named Tom Cable actually just say, "There's no issue there" while talking about JaMarcus Russell? I know Muhammad Ali Cable isn't the best coach in the NFL, and I know he isn't the brightest man in the league either (example: Breaking an assistant coaches jaw), but Jamarcus Russell's career is doing as well as Micheal Jackson right now.

Russell is entering the the professional sports "Bust Zone", joining the likes of Darko Milicic, Akili Smith, Alexander Daigle, Mark Prior, and maybe the king of the group, Ryan Leaf.

Russell and Leaf's stats are very similar after three years;

Leaf- 14 TDs, 36 INTs, 50.0 Passer Rating

Russell - 17 TDs, 20 INTs, 66.7 Passer Rating

Yes, Russell's passer rating is 16 points higher, but Leaf actually had a 57.6 rating in his third and final year in the league(which was the best of his career) while Russell has a 47.2 rating this season, which is his worst. So Russell is actually getting worse as his career goes on.

Leaf was out of the NFL at the end of his best season (which is like saying having sex with a door knob is your best sexual experience), but what will happen to Russell? Well, with the cyborg that is Al Davis still running the awful Raiders, Russell will continue to start and continue to fail. I have a feeling the new captain of the "Bust Zone" will be Russell. And for that, Ryan Leaf, you need to send JaMarcus a post card; thanking him for taking one of the worst titles in sports from you. Because, sorry JaMarcus, I have as much faith in you turning it around as I would in Plaxico Burress teaching me how to use a gun.

So congratulations JaMarcus! You've won the Gary Bettman Award (for knob of the week), way to go you knob!

Jeff vs.Geoff

2009-10-25T09:09:00.001-07:00

Last week Jeff gave me a drubbing, and now it's time to pay him back. It's Rocky-Apollo II except this time, Apollo wins!

(The ref should have stopped the fight. I'm Apollo.)

San Diego-Kansas City

Geoff- San Diego. Norv Turner finally gave Philip Rivers a Baby Ruth and now he'll go back to winning football games.

Jeff- San Diego (KC to cover). Todd Haley will scream his way to a Chiefs cover, but Norv Turner will suck his way to the win. CAN YOU DIG IT?

(The Chargers laid out TODD MOTHERFUCKING HALEY and the Chiefs. And all it cost Matt Cassel was his eardrums.)

Indianapolis-St.Louis

Geoff-Indianapolis. Maybe the easiest decision I've ever had to make, easier than the "Beer or Food?" debate. Me so hungy.

Jeff-Indy. The Colts will beat the Rams like a hypochondriac's rug. Have I used that one already? Oh well.

(Now that's what I call a RAMshackle performance? Eh? Eh? Oh go fuck yourself.)

Chicago-Cincinnati

Geoff- Chicago. Daaaaa BEARSDABULLSDAWHIIIIIIIIIITESOX.

Jeff- Bungles. C-Palm will play so well he'll make you wonder why I nicknamed him C-Palm.

Last known photo of Jay Cutler:

Green Bay-Cleveland

Geoff- GB. The Pack eat pieces of shit like the Browns for breakfast.

Jeff- GB. Josh Cribbs is good, but is he good enough to punch out LeBron James and get a trade out of town? We say no.

(Normally I'd make a joke, but there's nothing funny about abuse......hehehe.)

Minnesota-Pittsburgh

Geoff- Pittsburgh. The Steelers will have consensual sex with the Vikes, which will then lead to accusations of rape which are fraudulent. Either way the Vikes are getting boned like a paleontologist.

Jeff- Minny. BLAHBLAHBLAHILOVETHEVIKESBLAHBLAHFAVRESAVIKINGBLAHADRIANPETERSON. Sorry, I could nay resist.

(The Vikes were way overdue for this. You play with Favre, you're gonna get burnt. Also, sweet hands Chester Taylor.)

New England-Tampa Bay

Geoff- Pats. God Save The Queen, aka Tom Brady.

Jeff- Pats. It's gonna be a good ol' fashioned tea party. Except with no tea-throwing and more sleeveless hoodies.

(Tally Ho! The Patriots are slowly scaring the beejezus out of me. Now all that's left in me is that loose change I ate for a beer at the bar.)

San Francisco-Houston

Geoff- Houston. The Texans are on pace for another 8-8 season, here's hoping they don't care for pacing.

Jeff- Houston. Michael Crabtree could barely sign a contract, how's he gonna catch a ball? THAT WAS SARCASM.

(Alex Smith has returned! Gay men of San Fran rejoice!)

New York Jets-Oakland

Geoff- Jets. The Sanchise will regain his swagger and green card.

Jeff- Jets. The Over/Under on litres of sweat from Rex Ryan is set at 42.5.

(If I'm a Raiders assistant coach I'm staying as far away from Tom Cable as possible. Because, you know, he hits people.)

Buffalo-Carolina

Geoff- Carolina. Ryan Fitzgerald/patrick is nice, but the Bills suck. I don't have a joke.

Jeff- Carolina. If this game is on TV I'm going to punch the next person I see right in the wazoo.

(Don't care.)

New Orleans-Miami

Geoff- Miami. Prediction: Drew Brees spends so much time on the sideline he orders pizza and hookers. Combined.

Jeff- New Orleans (Miami to cover). The Saints are so good that I can almost ignore the fact that Reggie Bush actually touched Kim Kardashian. Dear God man. Did you Purell your wang?

(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Why do bad things happen to good people? Oh wait....)

Atlanta-Dallas

Geoff- Dallas. Tony Romo had himself a nice bye week, where he finally had time to grieve over the loss of Jessica Simpson's melons.

Jeff- Atlanta. When will Michael Turner return to relevancy? My fantasy hopes depends on him. I BELIEVE IN YOU SECOND-HAND TOMLINSON.

(Looks like the loss of Simpson's boobs breaks both ways. GET ON THAT ATLANTA.)

Arizona-New York Giants

Geoff- NYG. Eli copied Peyton's notes and should be fine. Unless he doesn't know how to read, and if you saw him read the Saints coverage, it's a possibility.

Jeff- Giants to win, Cards to cover. Has anyone seen Michael Strahan's new show? It's like watching all the laughter in the world die while someone pinches the back of your arm.

Philadelphia-Washington

Geoff- Philly. Bird is the word.

Jeff- Philly. Andy Reid is so fat that his playbook is a Domino's menu.

Head-to-Head Record

Geoff: 0-1

Jeff: 1-0

The SCHWINGGGG, of the week

2009-10-24T10:46:00.001-07:00

Tiffany Amber Thiessen aka "Kelly" from Saved by the bell.

From the words of the great "Uncle Jesse" of Full House "Have Merrrrrrcy"

Listen Up, Get Down

2009-10-22T20:16:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you're aware, but me and Jeff finished our weekly NFL podcast last night. I'm not exaggerating when I say it's our best work ever. We manage to crush it like that guy from Kids in the Hall used to crush people's heads.

So quit gawking and get listening.

As always you can go to either http://www.thechirpshow.podbean.com/ to listen, and while there you can subscribe on iTunes. Or, you can just use our podcast player on the right. It's so handy I sued it for sexual harassment.

I also finished a little column on Bleacher Report about everyone's fave Bill Parcells. Read it hurr:
http://bleacherreport.com/articles/276908-miami-dolphins-new-orleans-saints-fighting-for-the-love-of-the-tuna